Last Sunday I unloaded a burden that I have been carrying around for almost a year, the story of losing our son Hayden and the valley that I had found myself in – struggling with my faith and my trust in God and his goodness. I want to thank everyone who read my post and held me up in prayer; who spoke Hayden’s name so that he might not be forgotten and who stood in the gap for me when I could not. I said in my post that I didn’t know how to build the bridge back to God, but that was okay, because I wouldn’t have to – He was the master bridge builder. Today I want to share with you the whole story, what triggered my loss of faith, and the story of how that bridge was built and that your prayers were not in vain – I am back where I belong mentally and emotionally in the arms of the Father.
Losing Hayden was a grief unlike any I have ever experienced in my life and I think because of that I decided that I was going to get a free pass from God – I wanted a year where nothing bad was going to happen. I felt as if I deserved that, and maybe I felt a little bit like he owed me that. Just before Everett’s wedding one of our chickens got very sick. She had seizures and couldn’t walk, but you could tell she was mad about it and I promised that as long as she was willing to fight, I would fight for her. Two long months later she was finally back on her feet, she definitely wasn’t 100%, but she was strong enough to be able to have some space, wander the barn and dust bath in the arena. One evening I came down and she hadn’t come back to her box. I couldn’t find her and speculated that she might have hidden herself in the round bales for the night. Unfortunately, the next day I discovered the awful truth – she had drowned herself in a half full bucket of water I had set out to dump and forgotten about. The grief that tore through my heart that day is hard to describe – the absolute senselessness and randomness of it. I screamed at God that I was done with him. I had poured prayers over that chicken, nursed it three+ times a day, bought it a wheelchair and rehabbed it. It was supposed to live! I think it’s safe to say words were spoken to God that day that can’t be written here and truly, with my already bruised heart shattered, I closed the door. I had lived my life for God and given him all the praise and glory and now I felt completely and totally betrayed. When I walked out of the barn that day, I walked away from God. The place in my heart where He had lived was cold and dark and empty.
Dave and I had a lot of conversations about what had happened. He was in San Diego at the time and he did what he could to try to make me feel better. He kept telling me that I would get my faith back – I wasn’t so sure. The day David got back from San Diego was the same day I was leaving for England, but he managed to switch his flight so that we could have a few hours together before I had to leave for the airport. I think that I can say I managed to get on that flight willing to admit that there might be a God, but he wasn’t a god I wanted a relationship with. He wasn’t the God I thought I had known all this time – one who knew me personally and cared about the details of my life. I might believe in God, but I certainly didn’t trust Him. Losing my faith was a darkness and an emptiness that I could not escape from. I was truly in the valley of the shadow of death and it was oppressing me… until one night I had a dream.
If any of you have seen the Harry Potter movies, then you are familiar with the three-headed dog from the Chamber of Secrets. In my dream, a gigantic black dog, similar to that, was hovering over me, drool dripping from his mouth. It felt ominous, but this wasn’t a nightmare because I wasn’t scared. The best that I can tell you is that I knew it wasn’t good, but I wasn’t consciously afraid of it. Then all of a sudden, out loud, with power and projection I could hear myself saying the following words “In the name of Jesus Christ the Saviour of the world and all of us, I command you to leave this place and never come back.” Then instantly in front of my eyes I saw three rings (like if you dropped a pebble into a pond) and the image of a face in the middle of those three rings. Then the thought came through my mind, that I could not pray, sing, read the Bible and write God over every part of my life without it becoming a part of me. That I had infused God into every cell of my body and I could not get away that easily. It was like I suddenly understand the term the “indwelling Holy Spirit” on a new level. Now this is where I might lose people, but I believe that the day I screamed out that I rejected God was the day I came under demonic attack. That the darkness and heaviness I was feeling (yes, I clearly still had some unresolved grief to work through) was aided and abetted by outside forces. And I believe that God stepped in and saved me when the time was right. He left the 99 for me.
I want to tell you that this dream brought me 100% back to God, it didn’t, but it did what it was supposed to do, allowed me to be receptive when something amazing happened for a friend of mine while I was with her. As she was jumping up and down for joy she looked at me and said “God loves me so much, He gave me a car.” And that was it – it was like a lock clicking into place because I felt the truth of those words in my soul. Because God does want us to be happy and He does give us blessings all the time, even things like the perfect new car when the time is right. Her words were the final piece of the puzzle, the last nail in the bridge. I could come home.
Looking back on this journey I am able to see that I was expecting God to do my will, that I was treating him like a vending machine – putting the money in and expecting the prize of my choice to come out. God never promised that bad things wouldn’t happen. He promised to walk through them with us. I can tell you that since this has happened, on those days when I feel my grief, I have been able to ask God to help me carry it, and almost instantly he does. My tears stop flowing and my heart is eased. For the first time in a long time I am able to cry tears of joy as I experience the overwhelming love for God again. And my other take away is that everything you do matters! Sing songs of praise daily, pray and give praise for even the smallest blessings (like that green light), surround yourself with like-minded people who will stand in the gap for you. Read your Bible, so that God can speak to you in His own words in times of trouble. Infuse God into every cell of your being, because you never know when you might need it. I firmly believe the Holy Spirit banished a demonic presence that night on my behalf – I pray he does the same for the demons that might be haunting you.
God bless,
Meredith
finchmeredith1 