Hayden

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I said that at some point I would write about the signs and blessings that God gave to us during our heartbreak over losing Hayden and this is that post. This is not going to be an easy post to write, nor do I think that it will be an easy post to read, but my heart tells me that it is important.

The evening that we received the phone call about Hayden we were sitting at the dinner table with our best friends, Lance and Paula Smith. I would consider this blessing number one, because Lance is not only one of our oldest and dearest friends, he is also our priest. The phone call was to tell me that an ambulance had been called to Hayden’s house and he was non-responsive. As I write those words I can feel my entire body flush and my throat tightens with the memory. My first question was to ask what hospital they were taking him to, only to be told that they were taking him anywhere yet because he didn’t have any vital signs.

I don’t know how to describe how I felt in that moment. I didn’t break down and cry. I know my first thought was not to run out the door and drive to his house because of course they would be on their way to the hospital by the time I got there. My second thought was I needed to do something and that something was get the horses in, specifically the mares and foals in from the field to the dry lot for the night.

As I walked out into the field I knew that Hayden had had another head injury. When you have a special needs child sometimes it feels like a gradual descent into heartbreak. From first learning of his blindness, then two years later his hearing loss. The moment you realize that he isn’t going to go to college or university or even go through school like the other kids.

When Hayden was five he started getting down on the floor and tapping his forehead on it. As he got older this behaviour started to increase in frequency and intensity – it was his way of seeking sensory feedback. We put him in a bicycle helmet and we had every agency you could possibly imagine involved trying to help him. We took our concerns to his pediatrician who was a specialist in special needs children and she told us that these kids just seem to know how hard they can hit their heads without hurting themselves.

We continued to keep Hayden in a helmet, but in February of 2010 the unthinkable happened. I was at soccer tryouts with Everett who was 7 at that time and Dave was home with baby Isaac and Hayden. He had put Hayden in his room to play and then put Isaac to bed – when he heard Hayden banging his head. He ran to stop him, only to find him having a seizure. He immediately called an ambulance and then my phone. Hayden had given himself a traumatic brain injury very similar to “shaken baby syndrome”. We spent two weeks in Detroit Children’s Hospital because part of his skull had to be removed to allow the swelling to go down.

The days when Hayden came home after his first TBI were some of the hardest of our lives. We couldn’t leave him alone for a single second because he would try to bang or hit his still healing head. Dave truly took the brunt of this because Isaac was still a baby. He would stay up nights holding Hayden (who also didn’t sleep) and then work during the day while Isaac was at daycare and I could take over. From this moment on, Hayden wore a helmet 24/7. After trying a variety of custom helmets we settled on a hockey helmet which is designed to prevent concussions and easily replaceable. He had a soft foam helmet for the nights. Still, we were at a complete loss to know how to help stop Hayden from constantly trying to hurt himself.

At this point in our journey we were very blessed to have the intervention of Helplink who got us into a specialized program in London run by CPRI (Child and Parent Resource Institute). They had an entire team of psychiatrists and psychologists and OT and PT. Surely, they would be able to help. I have two years of data sitting in my basement. They counted every single time Hayden hit himself and tried a variety of medications and treatments. Dave and I would drive up to London on Friday to pick up Hayden for the weekend and bring him back on Sunday. Almost two years later they had no solution, and Community Living Essex County generously opened up a weekend respite home during the week specifically for Hayden. It was two blocks from our house on the very same street.

The Community Living staff in those early days were amazing, but absolutely they were slightly terrified knowing Hayden’s past history and his drive to self injure. Unfortunately about 18 months into his stay he suffered another brain injury and was flown to London by air ambulance. We were very blessed that he emerged from this incident quickly and left the hospital later that day. From the moment Hayden moved into Community Living he had a concussion protocol that was signed off on by ourselves, his doctors and management staff. His initial house manager told me that he was one of the most complex individuals she had ever supported. He had an awake night staff and two staff during the day. When Hayden was smiling he would melt your heart and fill it with joy, but when he was unhappy it was incredibly difficult both on an emotional and physical level for everyone around him.

As the years went by, Hayden always had some type of behaviour that was concerning. His head banging came and went and was replaced at various times with other behaviours. I never really worried about the other behaviours, because deep down in my heart, I knew it was the head banging that would ultimately take him from us.

And so we come back to September 20, 2025. As I walked out into the field to collect the mares and foals, waiting for my phone to ring, to tell me that they had gotten him back and he was on his way to the hospital I knew in my heart what had happened. It took me weeks to realize that during this time God was working a miracle for us. Hayden’s injury was such that the pressure on his brain shut down his breathing. He was found with no pulse. I have not a single doubt in my mind that Hayden went to heaven that night, Jesus took him by the shoulders, looked him in the eye and told him he needed to go back for just a little while longer. He needed to go back so that his mama could have the chance to tell him that she loved him with every fibre of her being, that there was nothing she wouldn’t have done to fix the world for him. He needed to go back so that she could press him against her heart and sing all the songs that she sang to him as a baby as his heart beat slowed and he passed from her arms into God’s. I thank God every single day for the gift he gave us that night – To hold him in my arms one last time, kiss his sweet face, to be able to say goodbye to our beautiful Hayden.

When we arrived at the hospital, spoke to the ER doctor and realized what was going to happen, we called Lance and asked him to come in and give Hayden his last rights. As we sat around his bedside, David, Everett, myself and Lance, we talked about our cherished memories of Hayden, remembered the good times. At some point during this I felt a voice tell me that I needed to ask Lance about the Beatitudes. Initially I ignored it, unable to think why it would be applicable in this situation. But, I felt that voice again, telling me to ask about the Beatitudes. So, Lance opened his Bible and began to read:

““Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.

I stopped Lance there, because I knew in my heart, the moment he read that verse, the message that God wanted to give me. Hayden was seeing God. Anyone who raises a child like Hayden knows what it means when I say he was absolutely pure in heart. God gave me a gift that night and I have held that phrase close in my grief. There aren’t many of us who are gifted the knowledge that yes, the one they love is truly in heaven with God.

Let us fast forward a couple of weeks, when I was struggling with my grief and wondering “what if heaven is just a fantasy and I’ll never see Hayden again?” I reached out in prayer asking for a sign, acknowledging that really is not how God works and it is unfair to even ask, but desperately seeking solace. While we are not a part of the Orthodox tradition, we did decide to lean into our grief at the loss of Hayden and we had multiple prayer services for him on the 3rd, 9th and 40th days following his death.

Another blessing, and proof of God’s perfect timing, came at the prayer service we held on the 9th day following Hayden’s death. This is a prayer service that is specifically “for the departed both in remembrance of the living and that the departed soul be counted worthy to be numbered among the choir of the saints, through the prayers and intercessions of the nine ranks of angels.” In 2025 this very day fell on Monday September 29th, in all the Feasts throughout the Church calendar year, this day for our Hayden was on the Feast of the Angels. A prayer for the angels, on a day honouring the angels. If ever God was putting up a neon sign this was it.

There were so many ways that God showed us his perfect plan and his care for us during this tragedy. The final one occurred at the final prayer service on October 30, the fortieth day following Hayden’s death. Prior to the Eurcharist Lance always invites all baptized Christians to partake in God’s Holy Communion or come up for a blessing – not this day. As Lance began the celebrate the Eucharist – he suddenly stopped, looked at me and said “when we celebrate communion, we do so with all of the company of Heaven.”

In all of his 30+ years of preaching Lance has never interrupted the Eucharist – but God used him that day to give me a message – to let me know that every time I take communion, I can do so knowing that Hayden is right there with me, celebrating the sacrifice and miracle of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Something we were not able to share in life, we now share in as a result of his death. That day sealed the truth in my heart. God could not have been more clear. He knew exactly what I needed to hear to put my heart as ease.

My grief over losing Hayden will be with me forever. It is something that I have had to put into a box in order to live my life. It is something that I can only bear to open a crack when I am feeling brave because I know it will overwhelm me. But, I also take comfort in knowing that God is with me, and that Hayden is with God, and there will be a day when I will hold him in my arms again and he will be perfect and whole as he was always meant to be.

As I come to the end of this post I share one other blessing that was given to me. So many of Hayden’s workers at Community Living adored him. It was not given to any of them to carry the burden of being on duty the night Hayden passed into God’s arms. For that I am eternally grateful.

I’ve opened my heart to you in this post and shared a very small glimpse of our life with Hayden and his death in the hopes that it helps you to find God in your life and in your times of grief and sorrow. The Bible is full of his promises and the love he has for us. I pray that you come to know the depth and fierceness of that love yourself one day.

God Bless,

Meredith

An Unexpected Side Effect.

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As many of you now know, we lost our beloved son, Hayden on September 20th of this year. Two months into our grieving process, keeping myself busy seems to be key to having what I would call “good” days. Those are days when I can smile, I can laugh, and enjoy the abundant blessings that God has gifted us. Weekends on the other hand, they tend to be more difficult – if I have time to think, then my thoughts inevitably turn to Hayden. Weekends were the time we spent with him and the hole on Saturday mornings is particularly large.

In my last blog post I said that I would write about the signs that God gave us that Hayden was with him, and I will do that, but as I sit here today I wanted to talk a little bit about the journey my faith is taking right now. One of the most important aspects of my relationship with God has been the feelings of his overwhelming love that he so often places upon me. Everyone’s experience and relationship with God is different, but for me, it’s those moments when I am most close to him, in song or in prayer when I feel his love fill me and it always brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat and a fullness to my heart. But lately I find myself actively avoiding having these moments. I’m not trying to shut God out of my life and my heart, but my sorrow is still so fresh and my feelings are still so close to the surface.

I have even started to worry that maybe God will be angry or upset that I can’t find that closeness with him. But then he gave me a truth that I feel in the depth of my soul – the sorrow that I feel, the pain in my heart, he shares that with me. The reason I can’t get too close right now when I am mourning – it’s because he is grieving with me and our shared grief is simply too much for me.

Never for a single moment doubt that God doesn’t love you fiercely. When you have a relationship with God, he will share your joys and rejoice with you in your good fortune. And, when life is hard, he doesn’t fix our pain – he shares it with us. Every tear we cry, he cries with us. On those good days when I can smile and laugh – I feel God touch my heart gently to reassure me that he is here, and he will never leave. So in the pain of my loss, I have continued to receive God’s grace and love in the unexpected truth that he is walking this path right beside me. To read these things in the Bible is one thing – to live them first hand is something completely different.

My prayer for each of you is that God gives you the blessing of feeling his presence in your life in all of your moments – both joy and sorrow and the knowledge that he will never leave you either.

God Bless,

Meredith

Leaning into grief.

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As many of you reading this are aware, we lost our oldest son Hayden on September 20 of this year. We all know that we will experience the loss of loved ones in our lives. It’s predestined that we will lose our grandparents and parents, even our pets. There was a part of me that always knew that I would lose Hayden, I even wanted that, because I didn’t want his care to be a burden on his brothers. What I didn’t expect was that it would happen so soon, or so suddenly. In my mind I would be an old lady and he would be a man.

So lets talk about grief. In today’s world we are all trying to capture the fountain of youth. We want to look younger, feel younger and be younger and I have noticed a trend away from acknowledging death. How many times now do people die without even having a funeral? I have seen it happen in my own extended family, even people of faith not having a service or a burial for a mother or husband. We, as a society, seem to have become extremely uncomfortable with the concept of death. And I think that we are all suffering for it.

When we were sitting in the hospital room saying good bye to Hayden I looked over at our priest and we talked about how I was not going to just “get over” this. And it was our Anglican priest who mentioned that the Orthodox practice was to have multiple prayer services. The moment he said that it felt right. I needed to “lean” (his word, not mine) into my grief and not try to pretend that life was okay.

As a result of that choice, to embrace the pain and the loss and the process of grieving, many of you have come to know a little more about Hayden. I took 40 days, I put black ribbons on our house, turned off our porch lights, wore black every day and arranged for prayer services on the third, ninth and 40th days following Hayden’s loss. I posted every day about my beautiful boy. I have cried, I have raged against God, I have questioned his existence and I have dwelt on the hole in my heart.

And what did leaning into my grief get me? At the end of those 40 days I was ready. I was ready to turn the lights back on, to wear something a little brighter, to feel joy. And each stage of the process of grieving helped. The first prayer service, the second, the funeral and the final service at 40 days after which we buried him. Each one of these was a step toward saying goodbye. Closing up his house, closing his casket at the church, being there for his cremation and the burying of his urn – each of these moments broke my heart. Each of these moments were steps toward the finality of life without Hayden, and each of these moments were an important part of this journey.

I know first hand that business of funeral homes is not inexpensive these days. But the act of mourning is vitally important. Many churches will hold a service for a very small fee – just to cover the cost of opening their doors in off hours. Yes, we should “Celebrate Lives”, but it’s okay to be sad too. It’s okay to call death what it is, it’s okay to spend time crying and missing the ones you love. Life is messy and imperfect and hard sometimes and we don’t need to gloss over the ugly parts – we need to lean into them and experience them. It is only by living in the darkness that we can truly appreciate walking back out into the light.

I will write another time about the ways in which God has reached out to me during this time, but for now, God bless.

Meredith

Darkness

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Even living out in the county, it’s not very often that we have nights that are truly dark.  Our horizons are always lit by the surrounding towns.  But, as the days get progressively shorter in the march toward the winter solstice, and the clouds of winter hang low and thick we had several nights this week where the darkness felt dense and heavy. 

I am not a girl who lives for the night. I love being up in the early morning, seeing the sun rise and the world wake up.  So, this week, as the darkness settled around us in a palpable way, I could feel myself reacting to it.  I couldn’t see the horses at their feeder from the fence the darkness was so thick and black.  The light from the barn couldn’t reach beyond the doorway, and the air was thick and heavy with the fog that was settling in. As humans we rely so much on our visual sense and certainly, for me, it was an uncomfortable, even stressful feeling to be so cut off from the world around me.  Normally I love night feed; it’s quiet and peaceful.  But on this night, I definitely breathed a sigh of relief walking into the lights of the house, with the fireplace warm and waiting.  It felt so good to come out of the heaviness of the darkness, back into the light.

This feeling got me thinking about the final verse from the carols and lessons concert we went to this past Sunday. It is from my absolute favourite book and it is probably one of my favourites because of how clearly it defines who and what Jesus was and is. 

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.  John 1:1-5

“The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.”  As we draw nearer to the day on which we celebrate the birth of Jesus, on one of the darkest nights of the year, I hold this verse to my heart.  Jesus is the light that the darkness can not overcome, no matter how oppressive, or heavy that darkness we are walking through may be.  The relief that our souls experience when we draw closer to his light and love is as real as the relief I felt walking into the house that evening.  For some people this year, Christmas won’t be a time of joyful celebration. They are alone, experiencing their first holiday without a loved one… darkness is hanging over them in, wrapping itself around them.  But I know, just as he has done for me those times in my life when I have been lost in the dark, Jesus will always be life.  The life that is the light of all mankind.  I pray that, this holiday season, he is light and life for you.

God bless

Meredith

Journeys: From Lemon to Lemonade

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Sometimes in life things happen that break your heart; but the older I get, the more I have come to learn to trust that God will make lemonade from your lemons.

I love surrounding myself with people who are experts; especially in my life as a horse breeder, trainer and rider. Maybe it’s because I got back into riding as an older adult, but my thirst to learn more about how and why never seems to diminish. I have been very blessed to live in a community and have a friend base that fuels and feeds that drive for knowledge. But, have you ever been in a situation where you didn’t realize you were limiting yourself unconsciously?

I was very blessed to have the opportunity to have Monster ridden by a young woman who had competed for Canada as a junior dressage rider and had ridden at the Grand Prix level. Of course I jumped at that opportunity. Her experience and skill as a rider, saw him win the Adequan All Breed award for Level Two Dressage in 2023. But her success ultimately ended up with me saying things to myself like: “I’ll never be that good.” “I’m just holding him back.” I’ll just break them and she can ride them.” “Maybe I should sell him while he’s worth something.” I limited myself and my growth as a rider because I was working with an expert. But God had other plans for Monster and I.

This July circumstances conspired such that I ended up taking over the ride on Monster. As sad as it was to see that part of our journey come to an end, it was without a doubt the greatest thing that happened to me, and my relationship with Monster. Don’t get me wrong, it was definitely a setback for him. Instead of showing Level Three as had been the plan, the best I could do was a Level Two. While I had never actually ridden a level two test, let alone in competition, I signed myself up for a gold show, Second Level dressage test in August. Then the opportunity to attend a clinic with the incredible Grand Prix coach, internationally renowed Paula Kierkegaard presented itself.

Our dressage tests in August were abysmal, with our highest score being at 56%, but we did it and I learned so much from the judges comments and videos taken by friends. I stayed the course, attended another clinic with Paula in October and watched myself on video monthly. I understand and can feel so much more what correct riding is thanks to my persistence. Monster has never looked or felt better and he and I are learning together; things like Piaffe and Flying Lead Changes. And, not only are we learning – we are both having so much fun doing it. When I go into the paddock, Monster always comes up to me asking to come in to work. He’s been known to bang on the fence or the gate to make sure I know he’s ready to come in and work and our relationship and bond is so much deeper.

God didn’t allow me to limit myself. He took matters out of my hands and put them in his and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. Today Monster and I had two beautiful, smooth lead changes. My heart is so full. Where are the places in your life where you can see God’s hand? Maybe the things you think you’ve lost are actually the beginning of a journey to a better you. Sometimes you just have to trust the process – you can’t make lemonade without squashing a few lemons.

God bless.

Meredith

Lainey Wilson and a place called Grace.

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Yesterday afternoon my girlfriend and I left our families behind and headed down the 401 to see our girl, Lainey Wilson in concert at Canada Life Place in London. The plan was to leave early enough to have a nice dinner and a glass of wine before heading to the concert. We spent a good portion of our drive looking at restaurants around the venue, trying to decide which one would be the most delicious.

We got an amazing parking spot right across the street from the concert and then headed to our first choice of dining spots only to be told there was no room at the in, bar included. No big deal, it was right beside the venue, we’d just go a little further. So up Richmond street we walked, entering restaurant after restaurant, only to be told time and time again – sorry, we’re all booked up. It was starting to look like we were going to be settling for fast food or a Quiznos with no glass of wine to sit down an enjoy when we took a wrong turn.

We almost walked right past it, not able to believe what our eyes were telling us, that a place this nice, this close to our concert could have that many empty seats. Our first thought was that it was closed…but when I checked my phone it was indeed open. So, we did an about face and entered into heaven; a beautiful restaurant, with a seat by the window, a lovely wine list and incredible food, all without the chaos of the other “pre-concert” restaurants. The name of this place…Grace.

So many times in my life God gifts me with infinitely more than I could ask or imagine. Just like that restaurant last night, his plan for my life is always so much better than I would ever dream for myself. But, sometimes that plan means we get told “no”, we don’t get into the places we thought we “wanted”, and sometimes we need to take a wrong turn and get lost to find that “something better” that was his plan all along.

The completeness of God’s plan for us always astonishes me. One of the things my girlfriend and I had talked about on our drive was how important and special our grandmothers were to us. This restaurant was named after the executive chef’s grandmother. The proof of God’s love and caring for you is always there if you are just willing to see it.

Lainey Wilson was amazing. Having a beautiful friend to sharing it with was amazing, but most amazing of all is God’s enduring grace.

God bless.
Meredith

I Will Hold Your Hand and Lead You Through.

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Have you ever had something you needed to do, but you just couldn’t? Have you ever started something that you knew would add value to your life, but felt as if every time you got started, obstacles got in your way? That happened to me and this is how God literally took me by my hand and walked me through my journey. 

As many of you know, we have a small farm that is in it’s infancy of breeding Gypsy Cob/Gypsy Vanner (they are the same) horses. I have three stallions on my property, Buzz an 9 year old who is experienced at live cover and two yearling stud colts. A big part of being a breeding farm is the ability to offer the sale of your stallion’s semen, either via fresh cooled or frozen to mares who aren’t close to you. This is especially important for me because my two yearling colts are the only two in North America with their particular bloodlines.

I started my journey by reaching out to friends and neighbours who breed their world champion Clydesdale stallion to find out how they collect him for shipping. They were extremely helpful and even let me come and watch them work. The next step was procuring an AV (artificial vagina). Unfortunately this was my big stumbling block. My vet couldn’t get me one, and when I finally found one online, it was back ordered to June. This was a HUGE problem, because my friends had a fertility expert coming down to collect and freeze their stallion and mine. I gave up. I told myself this wasn’t going to be the year. It just wasn’t in the cards. I was tired and I literally didn’t have the ability to push through this obstacle. This is the moment that God stepped in.

There is no other way I can describe what happened this weekend. I received a phone call on Friday night from my Clydesdale friend who told me the repro expert had an AV I could use and she was going to be calling me. She did, 5 minutes later. Now, here is where we start to really see the hand of God, because we didn’t just need my stallion and an AV, we also needed a mare in heat to “tease” him to do his job. For those of you who don’t know horses, mares cycles naturally from May to October. If you want to breed your mare in the winter months, you generally have to put them under lights, because it is hours of daylight that trigger their heat cycles. My ponies live outside, the days aren’t even 12 hours long yet, but thanks to God and his perfect timing, my 2 year old filly was in heat. A miracle!

This weekend went perfectly. My stallion, Buzz, was a perfect gentleman and my filly was such a good girl and we were able to train Buzz to be collected, not once, not twice, but three times! And not only that, we also got enough of a sample to freeze. God is so, so good. And this weekend, not only confirmed for me that I am walking the path God wants for me, but also, that when he wants something for you, even you can’t get in the way. Praise be to God.

Keep praying, keep taking your problems to God, keep making him a part of your life because you never know when he’ll take you by the hand and part the waters for you too.

God bless,

Meredith

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

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As 2023 comes to an end today’s Bible reading ended up feeling more like a blog post and something we could all take with us into the new year, so I’ve included it here as well. If you haven’t been reading the book of John with us, this is a great introductory chapter and if you have, I hope as we move through these next few chapters it will be easy for you to see why this is one of my favourite books of the Bible.

John 14

Jesus Comforts His Disciples

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Jesus the Way to the Father

5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”

I think at this point, the disciples genuinely believe that he is going to some other land.  Even the ones closest to him, who had witnessed all of his miracles couldn’t conceptualize the truth of who and what Jesus really was.

6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. 7 If you really know me, you will know[b] my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.”

I love verse 7.  If you really know me, you will know my Father as well.  We have so much of Jesus’ teachings to look through and the one word I think even non-Christians would use to describe Jesus is love.  So if we really know Jesus is love, then our heavenly Father is love divine; not judgement, not condemnation, but love.  Yes, absolutely we should try to be our best selves, to try to live aware of our sinful natures – envy, pride, gluttony, covetousness, asking God always to give us the fruits of the spirit and not of the flesh.  (See Galatians 5:22-26) but in the end, in everything you do remember that GOD IS LOVE.

8 Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”

9 Jesus answered: “Don’t you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’? 10 Don’t you believe that I am in the Father, and that the Father is in me? The words I say to you I do not speak on my own authority. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work. 11 Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the works themselves. 12 Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.

13 And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

I have a fullness in my heart when I read verses 13 and 14.  Jesus promises to be there for us, to answer our prayers – there is only one catch – so that the Father may be glorified.  I wrote a blog post last month about God answering prayer – that I believe that he does with every fibre of my being, and that he has faithfully answered my prayers.  Sometimes our prayers aren’t always answered in the way in which we want, (we prayed for our lost kitty to come home – ultimately we did find him and he is home, buried under one of our trees.  Maybe not the answer we hoped for, but we were able to have the closure of giving him a burial, one last pet and the peace of not having to always wonder, to know he wasn’t suffering.)  Jesus promises to answer our prayers, but we must trust him to give us the answer we need, not the one we want.

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit

15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[c] in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

22 Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?”

23 Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24 Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

25 “All this I have spoken while still with you. 26 But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

READ THAT AGAIN!!!! Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid – bring all things to God, to Jesus and trust that he will care for you.  “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  Matthew 6:27. 

I was listening to my favourite radio station this morning K-Love and one of the DJ’s said this.  Worry asks “what if”, faith says “even if”.   Jeremiah 29:11 is my absolutely favorite verse in the Bible and one I have committed to my heart.  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Cling to that phrase in all your life and live in freedom.  Know that even if you make a bad decision, God can turn all things for your good.   God is so good.

28 “You heard me say, ‘I am going away and I am coming back to you.’ If you loved me, you would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. 29 I have told you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe. 30 I will not say much more to you, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold over me, 31 but he comes so that the world may learn that I love the Father and do exactly what my Father has commanded me.

“Come now; let us leave.

STOP RIGHT THERE!

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In today’s Bible reading of John Chapter 6 we read what I think are some of the most profound words in the Bible, spoken by Jesus himself

We made the decision several years ago to send our youngest son to a private Christian school. He was struggling in the public system and we desperately hoped that the smaller class sizes and more opportunities for individual attention would help him be successful and it absolutely has, I wouldn’t change that decision for the world. But one of the things we had to do in order to get him into that school was go through an interview process. The idea of the interview was to confirm that we shared the moral values and ideal of the school community. Fair enough, they aren’t looking for boat rockers in a small, private school. But where the interview process when wrong was when one of the interviewers told Dave that, in his questioning of his faith, he wasn’t a true Christian.

I’m sure she felt well-intentioned, but her words and judgement about a personal journey were perhaps the most un-Christian I have ever heard. I also know that we have all come across those types of Christians in our lives. The ones that make us cringe at the thought of this religion. The ones that force their opinion upon us and try to “convert” us to their beliefs through bullying and fear. The ones that are completely misguided in believing that they are stacking up points in heaven by the number of converts they can wrack up on earth. Yuck!

Let’s look at those words I was referring to earlier on – the most profound words spoken by Jesus himself. John 6:44 “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them.” There you have it, an absolution of responsibility. It isn’t your job to make someone a Christian – that job belongs to God and God alone. Our role is share God’s love, to pray for people to come to know God, but it is God himself who has to place that desire in their heart. Maybe we are all born with that desire placed within us. That, I don’t know. It’s one of God’s mysteries. What I do know is that forcing someone to believe in something because of pressure or fear, simply to check a box in your own life isn’t really helping anyone. 

I have a list of people in my life for whom I pray daily. I pray for them to come to know God and his love and kindness. I try to be open about my faith and my relationship with God without being pushy. I want people to see this amazing thing I have, and want it for themselves, but ultimately only God can give them that desire. Jesus reiterates this again at the end of John 6:65  He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

This is why we are called to be God’s light in the world, to draw those, in whom God has planted a seed, to us. Be the light and love of God in the darkness of this world.

God bless,

Meredith

KICK UP YOUR HEELS AND FEEL JOY!

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“I’ve got that joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart – where? Down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. I’ve got that joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart to stay.”I’ve got that joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart – where? Down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. I’ve got that joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart to stay.”

Like many people, I have my good days and my bad. But there have been times in my life, when I feel more calm, when I have more patience, I’m more loving, more kind, more generous. I try to be all those things in my life all the time, but there are times when it just comes more easily and I’ve finally figured out why. It’s the times I’m reading my Bible on a daily basis. Now, I know that there are many people who will scoff at this and say that the Bible is a book, just like any other. And I know a lot of people who consider themselves Christians who don’t feel the need to read the Bible because they go to church or believe in God and “that’s good enough”. But hear me out, because I believe this with every fibre of my being – the Bible is a living document.

What do I mean by that? I mean that the Bible is one of the ways God will actually speak to you. That you will get something different from it every time you read it, and that it has the power to change you. There were so many times during the building of our farm that I struggled with something, only to find the answer almost highlighted in bold for me in my daily Bible reading. Don’t get me wrong, it is so easy to push it into the “round-to-it” category. And I totally get that the Bible is a daunting book, so here’s what I propose…let’s read it together. I’ll show you how I do my devotions and I want to hear from you, the verses that speak to your heart. I have found the secret for me, is that I have to make it first – before I open up Facebook, or email, or answer my texts.

There is a voice in your head right now that says you don’t need to read the Bible. I want you to squash that voice. That voice is very real and that voice doesn’t want you to draw closer to God. That voice wants you to stay right where you are. For the next few days you are going to have to fight that voice so hard. Maybe for the next few weeks. So click on this link, put it in your Bookmark Toolbar and every morning, grab your cup of coffee and before you click Facebook, email, or even check the weather, click on it and spend 5 minutes with God. See if it doesn’t change your life too.

My Daily Bible Reading

My Whisper Pony

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I want to start this by saying I have never owned a stallion before, nor have I restarted an eight year old stallion who was hardly ridden before, but life is an adventure. I’ve used the expression God only gives you what you can handle, but I’ve had occasion to rethink that saying recently – maybe sometimes God gives you more than you can handle – because that is where growth happens.

My stallion, Buzz and I have been, to quote a friend, “riding the struggle bus” recently. Unlike every single other gypsy I own, his natural inclination is to go fast, really, really fast. Canter – more like gallop. He is teaching me to use my seat and half-halts in a way that I never knew I could. But today, thanks to my incredible trainer, Sarah Durham, we had a ‘bring me to tears’ breakthrough; Buzz is a whisper pony.

What is a whisper pony you might ask. A whisper pony is one who is so sensitive, so tuned into their body and to you that they respond to the merest suggestion of pressure. When I ask most of my ponies for a leg-yield, I put on my leg and they move over. I couldn’t figure out why Buzz kept running away – today I figured it out. He needed me to whisper. The very slightest suggestion of my leg moved him over, smoothly, quietly, calmly.

How often in our lives do we get used to speaking in one tone. We get frustrated with those around us because they aren’t listening, because we aren’t being heard. But maybe sometimes the answer isn’t to get louder, maybe sometimes the answer lies in a whisper. Maybe the answer is less about what you do and more about what someone else needs.

Why did this moment bring me to tears? I am 50 years old. God gave me the gift of my heart’s dream over the last few years. I will never, ever get tired of learning how to listen to my horses, to do better and be better for them. But, I am incredibly thankful that He also surrounded me with people to bless me with their knowledge and expertise. He has blessed me with an opportunity to grow. I’m so grateful for my whisper pony; for the lesson he taught me today, for the lessons he will keep on teaching me. And, there are not words for how incredibly grateful I am for my amazing trainer, Sarah.

There are times when you truly feel God’s hand upon your life. Today was definitely one of those days. I can not live my life without God. He provides for me at all times and in all ways, even more than I can ask or imagine. The love of God overwhelmed me today. His care for me, for my life, and for the actualization of the dream he gave me oh so many, many years ago…I didn’t know I needed my whisper pony, but He certainly did.

Praise be to God.

Meredith.

I NEED MORE!

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I have said it several times over the last few weeks, after the stress and anxiety of the last year, people just need Christmas. It’s the reason why lights went up right after Halloween in so many houses. Christmas is the time of year when people are just more; more kind, more generous, more patient. But Christmas can also be a time of year when we feel compelled to do more; more presents, more entertaining, more lights, more decorations, more food. There have been so many years when I have found myself caught up in that. With the way inflation has pushed people to the brink, there is a push for people to go back to a simpler Christmas, to go back to homemade gifts and more thoughtful gifts. But I’ll admit it, even though I would love to receive a homemade gift, I feel insecure about giving one, as if it isn’t enough.

At at the same time, the older I get, the more I crave a simpler holiday. I don’t want to spend days shopping for presents that will end up collecting dust or heading to the Goodwill in six months. I want to spend time with those I love. I just want peace. And at the same time, this year I do want my Christmas to be about more – more God. I want to truly feel the joy and miracle of what this season is really about – the birth of our saviour, the love of God, become man to save the world. What a truly special gift. I have had years when the Christmas season is the time I feel the farthest from God, because I’m so focused on what the world tells me Christmas is about. But one thing remains true, on Christmas Eve, when I stand in my church singing those hymns, I get choked up every time. I feel overwhelmed by God’s love for us; for me. This year I want to feel that throughout the holiday season.

One of the radio stations I listened to suggested reading the book of Luke for the advent season – 24 chapters for 24 days. 24 days spent with Jesus. I can’t think of a better way to have more this holiday season. We all need Christmas so very much this year, with it’s message of love and light in a world filled with darkness. Let the “more” you chase this year be the “more” of being filled with God’s love and grace and a peace that passes all understanding.

God bless,

Meredith

What does it really mean to forgive?

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Have you ever had a situation happen in your life that you just couldn’t get past? I’ll admit to struggling with that at times. You don’t necessarily feel angry, I would say rather that you feel hurt by the actions of another person; that you feel unheard. Perhaps, like me, you have felt there was a wall in your way, in your heart, preventing you from allowing them back in.

As a Christian this situation, this lack of forgiveness troubles me. Why am I not being forgiving? Mark 11:25 says “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” And in Matthew 18:21-22 “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’ “ Forgiveness is given to us freely by God, but it is also required of us to have a relationship with him. Mark 11:25 “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

So I did a deep dive into the internet and the answer that I found helped me out the most came from a Youtube video by Father Mike Schmitz. In essence he states that when you need to forgive someone it’s because they took something from you and you need justice. I have never thought of forgiveness in that way before, but it makes a lot of sense. He goes on to say that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness means that I wipe the ledger clean. I allow myself to let go of the hurt caused by this person. I forgive them their debt to me. Forgiveness comes from one party – it is entirely within my control. I can choose to forgive or to hold on to bitterness and resentment. Forgiving someone for the hurt they have caused you does not require that they acknowledge that hurt, the trust broken.

I think that many of us get confused and believe that forgiveness means that you have to go back to the status quo of a relationship. It helped me to know that wasn’t the case. It gave me freedom to be okay with my feelings. Sometimes it’s okay to say good bye both to the debt a person owes us, as well as that person. That being said, none of us are perfect and I own that in myself. So when I had a situation in which I struggled with forgiveness I did what I always do, I brought it before God. I asked him to take this burden and anger from my heart. I acknowledged that he can always do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine and in the end, he restored my relationship in the way only he can. They say time heals all wounds, but in God truly all things are possible. Reach out and allow him to give you the freedom and peace true forgiveness brings.

God bless,
Meredith

He Answers Prayers

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What would you say if I told you that I knew the secret to having your prayers answered?

How many times have you prayed and then felt as if God didn’t hear you or answer you? Eighteen years ago I was there. I asked God to heal my son, I asked God to save my marriage. And I absolutely felt as if I had prayed in vain. My marriage fell apart and I was a divorced mother of two small children, one of whom with very significant special needs. Clearly God didn’t exist, or if he did, he wasn’t in the business of answering my prayers.

Fast forward to today. I can’t think of a single prayer I have prayed that I haven’t known God to answer – so what is the difference? Does he love me more now?

Don’t ever for a single moment think that God doesn’t hear your prayers or that they won’t be answered, but the secret isn’t giving God a wish list of things you think you want or need, it’s praying for him to help you through a situation and at all times acknowledging that his will be done. Sometimes what we are praying for isn’t actually what we need. If God had saved my marriage I wouldn’t be living my best life right now. I wouldn’t have found the love of my life, my soul mate, I wouldn’t have my Dave. And if God had healed my son, he wouldn’t have touched so many lives and again, I absolutely would not be where I am today. God had a plan for my life and it was infinitely more than I could have asked or imagined 20 odd years ago.

Yes, it’s true, God doesn’t always heal the sick and the dying when we pray – we don’t always get a “lame shall walk” miracle. I have lost those I cared for deeply to tragic accidents. God doesn’t promise us a pain-free existence, but he does promise to walk through the valleys with us. You can’t know joy without experiencing sorrow. You can’t appreciate health, without knowing sickness, and although we might not see it at the time, God can always turn things for our good.

I’d like to end with a story of our weekend miracle – our weekend answered prayer. Last Sunday my sister’s cat went missing. They searched everywhere for him to no avail. We have of course offered up prayers for Rocky’s safe return. This Sunday morning, while we were in church, praying for his return, Rocky came home. God loves his children and wants to give us every good thing and in this case our answered prayer was a filthy, smelly, much beloved kitty. Thank you, Lord.

If only you would hear his voice.

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Every once in a while I am reminded that once upon a time I had a blog about my faith journey. Last night was one of those time. People still find it, and people still comment, thanking me for what I’ve posted. Last night was one of those times. My last blog post, prior to today, was April of 2022. I knew I had blogged for a while, but I when I looked back… my first blog post was September of 2018, and I blogged a lot back then; almost daily.

There are times in our spiritual journey when we are called to be the lighthouse, to shine the light of our faith outwards for others to see; to light their way. There are times in our faith journey when others light the way for us. As many of you know, we have spent the last three years building our farm. We took an empty soy bean field and we filled it; with a house, a barn, fields of hay, pastures for grazing and of course ponies for riding and loving. All of my physical and mental energy has been focused on filling that field and I have emptied myself. I have found myself too weary to read, to write, to even think at times. I have worried that God is disappointed in me because I haven’t been to church as often, because I don’t read my Bible as often, because I don’t sit down and devote time to him as often. That isn’t to say that I don’t always say little prayers throughout my day – “Please help me, Father” or that I don’t recognize and give thanks for the all of the small miracles he sends my way and the many, many blessings. But it does mean that I have felt guilt for not doing enough, and at times I have felt as though I wasn’t enough.

This weekend God again reminded me that I can always come to him, just as I am and He knows exactly what I can and can’t do. Do not allow the world, do not allow others to put parameters on your relationship with God. Your relationship with God, isn’t defined by how often you go to church and sit in a pew, your relationship with God isn’t defined by how often you open your Bible – it’s defined by how much you depend upon him to get you through your daily life. I can’t get through a day without him. My first instinct is to go to him; with my joys and my sorrows, with my worries and my delights. Absolutely, attending church and reading your Bible are important – they are how you deepen your understanding of your heavenly Father – how He speaks to you, and how you can learn and understand his truths for yourself. But please don’t allow yourself to believe that, if you aren’t doing those things, he loves you any less. He is calling to us every single day, reaching out to us, wanting to draw us closer to him, wanting to show us how much he truly loves us – if only you would hear his voice.

I hear God’s voice calling out to me. Telling me that this part of my journey, this phase of exhaustion is coming to an end, and it might be time to turn my light on once again.

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I’ll pray for you.

Social media has made it possible for us to connect with so many more people than was once possible. One aspect of that connection is learning about the struggles and trails that people often share. I think the most common one I’ve seen is someone going into surgery, asking for prayers and good vibes, or the loss of a loved one. How many times have you typed a response to one of these posts with the words “I’ll pray for you” or “sending prayers” or used the little prayer hands emoji? How many times have you actually followed through?

I’m guilty of it myself at times. Seeing someone going through something, I say I’ll pray for them, but then I get distracted and life is busy and I forget, or I make a distracted attempt and then move on. I never actually, meaningfully offer a prayer to God for that person.

How many times as a parent have I told my kids that actions speak louder than words? and yet in my own relationship with God I’ve offered so many empty promises of prayer. I can’t tell you what changed for me, or why, but something in my heart did. I found myself making a commitment to God, to actually take a moment, to sit and meaningfully pray. To spend time with God, praying, for any person who asks for prayer on my social media or in my life. If I say I’m going to pray for you. I’m actually doing it. You lost a cat and ask for prayers? I’m praying for you. Surgery? I’m praying for you. Lost someone? I’m reaching out in prayer for you and your family.

What has surprised me in all of this has been an unexpected consequence. I’ve grown closer to God myself. I feel him reaching out to me, touching my heart in those times when I’m reaching out to him for someone else.

Maybe you’re better at follow through than I was, but if you aren’t, then I encourage you to try it. The next time you write that you are praying for someone, or post a prayer hand emoji, STOP, take a moment, bow your head and meaningfully, heartfully offer up your petition for that person. You might be surprised at what you get back in return.

God bless,

Meredith

Sometimes you need a Karen.

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Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. Psalm 118:5-6

God always answers prayers, sometimes it just takes a bit for us to recognize that.

It’s been busy times here on the farm. For the most part, I’ve been incredibly grateful for the subzero temperatures; frozen ground means no mud. The snow on the ground looks beautiful too. And then the thaw came…

We’ve got water management problems on our property after all of the building and landscape changes we’ve done this year. Solving that, and putting in some drainage tile is absolutely on our list for 2022. But that doesn’t help right now. Last week we had a major warm up (loved it) and then some rain (oh no!). All of that on frozen ground meant a lot of water, like I mean A LOT of water, on our property. Unfortunately a lot of that water was in our horse paddocks.

You know what doesn’t go well together? Horses and ice. And when we got another quick and hard freeze, our paddocks became mini frozen lakes. ACK!!! No turn-out for horses means sad horses, and sad horses means sad Meredith. I’m very blessed to have the indoor riding arena so each group of two got two runs per day, but it didn’t help me to feel better, because I knew that they really needed the movement of being outside during the day.

I don’t know why it takes me longer at times to bring my problems to God, but I think it’s because I allow myself to be convinced that this isn’t really a problem worthy of God’s time and attention. But who am I to tell God what’s important? So finally Saturday night I told God how I was feeling.

How many times has God used the people in my life to solve my problems? I ended up chatting with a horse friend later that day (named Karen) who suggested we salt the paddocks – great idea! Why didn’t I think of that? We salted, and the next day I was able to get the boys all out in the afternoon for some fresh air.

That night we got a deep freeze and snow – like the kind of weather even salt won’t help with. So now I had snow on top of ice!!! Treacherous for humans, I can’t even describe how dangerous that is for spindly legged, creatures with an innate desire to kill/injure themselves. Back to my friend who suggested plowing my paddock.

Thank you Jesus! I plowed my paddock and by then it had warmed up enough for the salt to work again, so the boys had a nice, clean, wet, but non-icy place to spend their afternoon.

The crazy part about this is that it wasn’t until this morning that I was finally able to recognize God’s hand in all of this. His answer to my prayer was my friend. How many times has God answered prayers through the people in your life and you missed seeing it?

Thanks be to God for reminding me that if it’s important enough for me to worry about, then it’s important enough to bring it to him in prayer.

Have a fabulous day and God bless!

Meredith

Know who your friends are.

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The fact that I haven’t written on this blog in six months is a testament to just how busy our lives have been. The summer saw us building fences and barns; finally planting our hay fields and pastures and running…always running.

Now that things have opened back up again Dave started going back to church. I’ve been a few times, but honestly, I keep saying that I’ll go back to church when the the barn is done. I just don’t have time. The exterior was done months ago, but we’ve been focused on building stalls, hay lofts, running water lines and electrical lines and getting concrete.

Throughout this entire process I’ve felt so blessed, so good in my relationship with God. But, we forget how easy it is to just let it slip away. It’s death by a thousand tiny cuts of the string that ties your heart to Him.

Our barn is almost finished, but doing construction at the beginning of winter is not ideal. We had a to dig a trench down the middle of our driveway to run the electrical lines because it was the only spot dry enough. It completely destroyed our driveway. I cried for a day after that. We’ve had so much rain and wet snow it’s been almost impossible to get the floors firm enough to do the concrete, and then I found out the concrete needed to be higher up my stall walls than I had planned for. More tears and possibly time in bed was the result of that news.

Coming to the end of more than a year of constant building has taken it’s toll on me, mentally. I just want to be done. Finding out our concrete pour was now delayed because of the coming cold front…where was God in all of this?

But that’s the thing. God is constant. He is, was and always will be. It wasn’t that God had stopped being a part of my building process, it was that I had stopped including him. I had stopped trusting him.

Not once, like NEVER EVER during the building process did God let me down. We had one of the wettest summers on record here in Ontario. And yet, when I needed things to be dry so that they could pull the cover on my barn, dust was blowing. Thank you, Jesus. There are too many other moments just like that over the summer for me to document. People would show up at just precisely the right time, I got deals I didn’t expect or look for. God has had his hand in every aspect of our farm. So then why did I stop trusting him now?

It is so easy to get so caught up in the trees of your life, the things that you are doing, that you miss the forest. This past month I’ve been so busy “doing” things that I forgot the one who helped me do it all. You tell yourself I’ll read my Bible tomorrow, or I’ll go to church next week. But in the end, what you are really doing, is allowing the world, your “things” to come between your relationship with God.

God wants to be your best friend, the one you turn to in good times and bad. Yesterday I was miserable; wallowing in my misery, miserable. Sometimes, I listen to music when I’m doing my stalls. As I was choosing my music, a name came into my head; Jason Gray…

When I lose my way
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
Is who I don’t wanna be
Remind me who I am
In the loneliest places
When I can’t remember what grace is

Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
To You

Just reading those lyrics again today brings tears to my eyes. God loves us SO MUCH!!! Losing my way, putting my relationship with God on the back-burner…for me that is my loneliest place.

Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me who I am to you and who you are to me…my best friend.

God bless,

Meredith

I was truly terrified!

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Fear is a word I have become intimately knowledgeable of this year. I’m talking, overwhelming, stomach churning, can’t breath, real fear. We’re talking a rocked me to my core, and made me question life decisions kind of fear, I would even say I was terrified. But guess what?! It was the type of fear that isn’t based on actual reality, but on a series of “what ifs”; a fear of the unknown, and I was caught completely off guard when it happened.

There is still so much going on in our world to cause us to be fearful, anxious, stressed. My personal strategy has been just to focus on my small little niche of the world and shut out everything else: I can’t change it anyway. But, sometimes the world breaks through and forces itself upon you; the threat of more lockdowns, tracking apps, arguments to vaccinate or not, doctors threatening to deny care to people. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how divisive our world would feel. That’s the point of fear – to makes you like the world is against you, to make you feel isolated and alone.

There is a song by Zach Williams called “Fear is a Liar”. How much do we need that song now? How much do we need to be told that our fears are lies?

This summer, in the midst of a chaotic world, God has shone his light into my life on a daily basis; reminding me that He is with me, walking beside me, holding my hand. Let me give you an example. Last week, after almost a year of waiting, our hay field and horse pastures were finally planted. We have had gorgeous sunny days since then and three nights of rain. I can only call this a miracle and a blessing from God. I literally couldn’t have asked for better weather to germinate our seed. Again and again this summer God has made a way for us and our dream.

Over and over again the Bible tells us not to worry. Philippians 4:5-7 “The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.” This verse isn’t saying God will give you what you ask for, but it does say that reaching out to Him in your anxiety will bring you peace; a peace that transcends all understanding.

When I hold God close, when I turn to Him in my fears and anxiety, when I don’t have enough strength, I feel that peace. God’s got this.

That fear I spoke about earlier…it came over me while I was riding my horse. That fear wanted to deny me something that brings me incredible joy, peace and love. I only know of one way to deal with fear like that; give it up to God. I’ve spent the last two weeks doing that scary thing over and over again. Lots of times I pray as we go galloping off into the wild with no fences or arena walls to “keep me safe” and you know what…”I’m actually having fun!” What fears in your life can you give up to God? What fears can you abandon to find joy?

Even when it feels like the world is out of control, Psalm 46:10 says “Be still, and know that I am God;” Make the choices you have to make, embrace the things that scare you, and trust that God will, can, and is working all things for your good. And here’s that Zach Williams song. I’m totally going to cry my way through it.

May God bless you and keep you!

Meredith

Me and My Big Mouth

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Let me start by saying that life in the country; life on our farm; is amazing. There is not one person in my family who hasn’t blossomed in this environment; in the freedom of the space. But building a farm from scratch does not come without its share of worries and stressors; the biggest of which for me has been financial. There have been many times over the past few months when I have felt my share of anxiety over how quickly our bank account can diminish. I know we’ve planned for this, but it’s still a scary thing to see it happen.

But, as a person of faith, I can’t tell you the number of signs and ways that God continually reminds me that He loves me and is watching over us. From the ease of Everett getting his new job five minutes from our house, to the recent purchase of a harrow for my riding arena. Time and time again God is there, watching out for us, protecting us, reminding us that He is near.

For all that, I have still felt anxious and overwhelmed. I don’t know how you deal with your anxiety, but mine tends to result in me lashing out at the people closest to me – my sweet and caring family. I know I’m doing it, I hate that I’m doing it, but I can’t seem to help myself and so it’s something I continue to bring before God.

Yesterday this was one of my verses – “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it only leads to evil.” Psalm 37:8. DING, DING, DING! My fretting has absolutely resulted in anger and wrath and harmful behaviour. Okay Lord, point taken. And today this was my verse – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your heats and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

That verse doesn’t mean God is going to give me whatever I pray for, but it does mean that if I give him my worries and my fears and my anxiety he will give me peace. A peace that will guard my heart and my mind and by extension – my mouth. God will give me peace that I can share with my family instead of my fretful wrath.

How many times in your own life have you carried a burden of stress needlessly? I know the truth of these verses because I have lived them in my own life many times over. But still, my patient and loving Father, reminds me when I need to hear it, reminds me to give Him my cares. Today my prayers are about giving up my worries, and embracing the journey that I am taking, knowing that I am watched over, and loved, and protected every single step of the way.

God bless,

Meredith

Count your blessings, not your problems.

Who is it for?

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Yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous day; the sun was shining, there was warmth in the air and the kids were ripping around the fields on the gator. Seeing our kids embracing the outdoors, getting a thrill from something other than a video game was a major factor in our decision to move out of the suburbs. Through out the process of our move I have truly felt God’s hand over us. But, even before we started building I worried if we were making the right decision, if this was simply something I wanted, or if the need to move I was feeling came from God. I did a lot of praying about it and ultimately, there was such a strong feeling in my heart that this was going to be a blessing for us, that we kept moving forward.

Moving to the country has not been without its share of challenges. We are currently living in the middle of a dirt island. When the ground is dry, which thankfully it has been for the past few weeks, the dogs track in a constant steam of dirt and dust. When the ground is wet…let’s just say that washing the floors has become a way of life. The beauty of that is that I’m not alone. One of the many blessings of this new house is that our teenager is now much more a part of the life of the family. In our old home his room was above the garage and he was very isolated. Now he’s a few steps from the living room. I love that I can just pop my head in and chat without having to walk a mile. I also love that it’s made him more connected. He’s surprised me a few time by taking the onus to wash or vacuum the floors.

The new house has been a huge blessing for our youngest too, especially now that we have the gator. He’s excited for his chickens and there is so much out here for him to explore and do. Whether it’s in the mornings when I watch the sun rise, or the evenings when I watch it set; walking in the fields with the dogs, or sitting on the back porch with my family enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon; through it all I am reminded of how great God is and how very, very grateful I am for his blessings. It’s hard sometimes to know if the desires of your heart are from this world or from God. But my experience has been that if you keep praying about it, God will show you what he wants for you in your life – and he isn’t always subtle.

Have a wonderful day and God bless you.

Meredith

The Strength of Men.

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A week ago today we began the final, and most grueling day of what would turn out to be a three-day process to move from our beautiful house in the suburbs to our dream house in the country. I have NEVER experienced anything on the scale of what we attempted to do. We had a four bedroom, two story home with a fully finished, and fully furnished basement. I hired movers for two days and we used up every inch of their truck and every second of their time, but by the end of day two we still had our backyard shed, garage and Dave’s weights and office. I rented a 15′ truck from U-haul. We loaded and unloaded that truck, and our pickup, and our friends minivan three times that day.

Driving back to our old house for the second time that day, I could just feel how physically and mentally exhausted I was. I certainly would have cried if I could have found the energy; instead I reached out in prayer. “Dear Lord, I don’t think I have the strength for this. Please Lord, I really need your strength. I need you to give me your strength to get through this.” In complete and total faith, I asked God for His strength because I knew that what I had left in the tank was not going to be enough. I expected to feel less tired, that somehow He would get me through this. I didn’t expect the answer I received.

Fast forward a hour later and Dave’s best friend showed up with some tools we needed to disconnect our BBQ. He immediately saw our need and jumped in, helping us, and his two teenage boys (whom we had hired for the day) load up the trucks. Three hours later we were back at the house for the final load. By this time is was 4:00 and we had been going steady for eight hours. You can’t imagine my surprise when my friend (the best-friend’s wife) and my sister and my dad arrived. I didn’t think I had the energy to cry, but at that moment, the certainty that God had heard my prayer and answered with the people with our lives. He gave us his people; people to give us the strength to push through and finish the move, exactly when we needed them.

Never for a single moment have I doubted that this house, this path is the one God wants me to walk. As exhausting as our move was, it was filled with so many amazing blessings. When you are on the right path the confirmation from God is like a neon sign. For me, God isn’t a deity I visit in church on Sundays, or pray to when I go to bed. I carry God with me every day, in everything I do; I simply can’t live my life without Him, and I see His love and caring for me every single day including when I needed strength and He provided.

I have been feeling a song in my heart often this week and I really feel as if it was the anthem for our move. Even the smallest battle belongs to God. Give him your fears, your weaknesses and yes, even your fatigue, and He will give you exactly what you need.

God bless,

Meredith

Why are diets so hard?!

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I am finally starting to get back into a routine of reading my Bible every morning. Has it ever happened to you. You think to yourself, I’m good with God, I can take a day off, and so you skip a day, the next week maybe you skip two and before you know it, sitting down and spending time with God on a daily basis isn’t part of your routine, but something that you might not even remember to do. I don’t know why things that are good for us are so easy to let slide, but things that hurt us are the easiest things in the world to keep doing. Ask anyone who’s ever lost a significant amount of weight through diet and exercise. Eating healthy and working out feel so good when you are doing them, but take a week off and it can feel like climbing a mountain to get going again.

I know a lot of people who believe in God, who love God don’t necessarily sit down with their Bible everyday, my parents are prime examples. They go to church, they love God, they live good lives. But as someone who has read through the good book a few times now, if you aren’t reading the Bible you are missing the chance to be reminded by God how much He love you. Here are the passages that were part of my readings over the past few days.

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

“Let us then approach the throne of grace with conidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

“You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.” Psalm 86:5

Now maybe these verses aren’t speaking to you, or maybe they are, the point is that they spoke directly to what I was feeling this morning. You will be astonished to see how often a verse you read in your daily devotions resonates with what you are going through in your life. That’s the power of God’s word! But let’s be honest here, the Bible is a big freaking book. How do you even know where to start? There are so many amazing resources out there on Pinterest and the internet, but to help you get started, here are links to the ones I’ve been using lately. (No I don’t get money for this).

Just like a starting a habit of healthy living to get ride of those extra pounds, starting a habit of daily time with God can help you get rid of all of the extra “stuff” your heart and soul are carrying around.

Surrender yourself to the experience of being spoken to by your heavenly Father through his word. I promise you won’t regret it.

God bless,

Meredith

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Scripture Writing Plan — Revive Refresh Renew

Put Another Log on the Fire.

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“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

I needed this exact Bible verse today. There is so much going on in the world, so much “noise” and, while I do my very best to tune it out, sometimes it pushes its way into my life. Fear, uncertainty, doubt, mistrust, it can be so hard to let go of the world, and worrying about the future, especially that of my children.

Even though I know in my heart that God is with me, at all times and in all ways, it helps to be reminded of that. Reading the Bible for me is like putting another log on the fire of my faith. It keeps it burning, it reminds me of God’s promises. That He is with me. There has never been a time when I have turned to him seeking his peace in a time of anxiety that he has not provided. God has filled my life with blessings and constant reminders of his presence, but even still I need to be reassured. I need verses like the one above.

It’s so easy to allow ourselves to get caught up in the noise of the world. In those moments, there is nothing we need more than to know that God is singing over us. That we can turn to him and find peace. If you are struggling today, I hope and pray that this verse for you is a log on the fire of your faith.

God bless,

Meredith

Who’s Got Your Back?

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Last week I was experiencing a significant amount of anxiety. I could blame it on the stress of packing and getting ready to move, or the state of the world, or the rising number of Covid infections in our neck of the woods, but none of those things would be true. The simple fact of the matter is that I was afraid. God has been incredibly good to my family and He has poured blessings upon us and between you and me…I just didn’t feel worthy. I was in a place where I just kept waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I was convincing myself that all the good things we have received were really just a prelude to a disaster. I worked myself into a state of terror that we could lose everything. Have you ever been there?

It was on Friday afternoon, driving alone in my car that I realized my fear, my terror was actually a lack of faith manifesting itself. I give God so much credit and glory for the amazing gifts he has given my family, and the farm is a huge one for me. But problems arise when we place those gifts above the one who gave them to us. Getting out of sync with your faith and trust in God is what allows doubt and fear to invade your heart. Yes, the farm is a blessing, but appreciating it needs to be a balance and not an obsession. In the words of the Anglican prayer “All thing come from thee and of thine own have we given thee.”

All week I kept reaching out to God, asking him for peace, but it wasn’t until Friday that I realized I hadn’t given him my problems. I’d asked him for help but I clutched my fear to my breast and held on tightly. I will never understand why God has chosen to bless me, I will never feel as if I deserve it, because I will never feel as if I’m good enough, but I think that’s the essence of the faith journey. We live in a world where we are constantly required to prove our worth, that we are good enough. It’s a world that functions in complete opposition to a God for whom you never need to prove your worth, who loves you unconditionally, ALL THE TIME! Not when you donate to charity, not just because you go to church, not because you read your Bible today, but just because you are YOU. We are all God’s children and He wants to get to know each one of us intimately, just as He wants us to get to know Him.

I’m not going to pretend that my fear and stress are gone forever, although they certainly were in that moment of ephiphany. Much like a compass, I need to make sure I am always pointing myself in the right direction, toward God. I am a less than perfect parent, but I will always love my children unconditionally and I will always try to do what is best for them. God is the perfect Father. I just have to keep reminding myself to trust Him, just as I want my children to trust me…I’ve always got their back.

There are times in our lives when we can’t see the beautiful painting that God is making of our lives, times when we experience great loss and pain and suffering that we don’t deserve. Life as a child of God, the blessings and the pain, are never about deserving, they are about bringing us closer to Him. Accepting His love. That’s my goal for this week, that and trusting in His plan for my life. No matter what happens, I can get through it when God has my back.

God bless and have a safe and healthy week.

Meredith

Who’s to Judge?

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I don’t think that I am alone when I say that I can often times be my biggest critic. As a writer it can be hard to learn to let go of a piece of writing and say that it is “good” enough. I’m even more critical of my lack of patience, quick temper, lack of will power. And don’t you find that in those times when we feel the most out of control in our own lives, those are the times we tend to be the most critical of others? As the Covid-19 pandemic follows us into the new year, we judge people for their use or non use of masks, social distancing, willingness to get the vaccine. Sometimes it feels as if our days are filled with nothing but continuous opportunities to pass judgement – on others and ourselves.

Yesterday was not a fabulous day for me. I’m definitely feeling the pressure of packing up our house over the next month for a move and worrying if the new house will be ready. Sometimes I just feel so frustrated by the limitations we are all living under; about not be able to just live my life and get stuff done. I hate it when I feel that way. I hate the way it makes me aware of the darkness in my soul when I give in to my anger and frustration. Remember that whole judgement thing I was talking about…

One of my goals for this year is to get back to reading my Bible daily. I sat down this morning and looked at it – five different sticky notes projecting from the top – unable to decide where to begin. My favorite gospel is that of John. It feels as if it was written by someone who knew Jesus intimately – who loved him and just wanted to share the “good news”. Here’s what I read almost immediately: “I am not seeking glory for myself; but there is one who seeks it, and he is the judge.” John 8:50

But as soon as I read this I though, WAIT! this is a contradiction to something I remembered reading last week. So I went back through my notes and found this: “Moreover, the Father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgement to the Son…” John 5:22

Jesus said both of these things and it got me to thinking…he’s telling us in John 8 that God is the judge, but he has also told us that God judges no one. Think about that, a judge who has far more right to pass judgement upon us than anyone on this earth, including ourselves… who judges no one.

So many times in the past religion has been used as a weapon to control people, to make them feel shamed into believing. But Jesus is telling us here that God our Father judges no one. I’m not saying that I believe that means you can go ahead and do bad things without recourse. Jesus goes on to say in John 5:30 “By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgement is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.” But the solution to judgement is so simple – it’s just belief. “I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; ” John 5:24

We need to be kinder to ourselves. God doesn’t need us to be perfect or without flaws or sin, he took care of that when he sent his only son to die for us. He doesn’t want to judge us – he only wants to love us. All we need to do is accept the gift of his love.

I need to be kinder to myself. I’m human, I’m going to have good days and bad days. There are days I’m going to scream at my kids and fight with my husband. There are days when I’m going to be rude to a stranger, not because of anything they have done, but because of where I’m at. I am as far from a perfect person as it is possible to be…thank you God that you don’t need me to be perfect to love me.

I hope and pray that each of us have a day where we are kind to ourselves. That we have a day where we allow God’s love to fill our hearts with peace and joy and wash away the judgement and self-doubt that darkens our souls.

God bless,

Meredith

The House that God built.

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Has there ever been a time in your life when you have needed to make a major life decision? For us it came a about a year and a half ago; first when we decided to purchase a piece of property in the country, and then when we signed a contract with a builder.

I can’t tell you how much I agonized over the decision to build a new house. I couldn’t get rid of the yearning in my heart to move on, but I was so afraid that I was being selfish, and that I was focusing on needs of this world and not of God. I spent a lot of time in prayer, asking God either to take this yearning from my heart, or to help me to know that this was something he wanted for us and it was not just my selfish soul speaking.

Here’s what I have learned from this experience; God is faithful and, like any loving Father, he wants to help us if we’ll let him. I call our house the house that God built because things have worked out so perfectly along the way that I can’t see it as anything else. Our current house sold in just four days! Even our builder has commented on how seamlessly things have rolled along.

I am constantly thanking God for this tremendous blessing that I know I absolutely do not deserve. As we lay out and plot out each additional piece of what will be our new home, each piece fits into place perfectly, like a jig saw puzzle. All I can see is God’s hand, guiding us and our decisions to create a perfect home for us.

I’m not a perfect person. I yell at my kids, I don’t always read my Bible everyday, sometimes I curse and swear…I don’t deserve the blessings God has given me. But I guess that’s the point. This house has been as much of a spiritual journey for me as a physical one. God has used it to show me how much he doesn’t need me to “do” anything for him. All he needs is my faith. All he wants is for me to trust him, to put my life’s journey into his hands and walk with him always. It is such a special, special thing to come to know God in this way, to see him, not as a judge who will condemn, as many would have you believe, but as a loving Father who only wants what’s best for you.

God has tremendous power to transform hearts. Knowing God doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel depressed, overwhelmed, lazy, selfish…but God knows me intimately. He knows the darkest, most awful parts of my soul and he loves me anyway. I truly wish there was a way for me to share the overwhelming peace and joy and love that comes from truly knowing God and having him in your life with everyone I meet. I pray that those I love will someday come to experience a life walked with God. I simply couldn’t do it without him.

So, while it truly wasn’t my intention at the beginning of this blog to draw the parallel, but rather to speak to the blessings we’ve been given, I can see as I write this that the house that God built isn’t just the physical one we will be moving into in February, in many ways it’s me. I’m pretty sure his construction work on my soul is going to take more than a eight months though, I can almost guarantee it’s going to take a life time.

God bless you and keep you, into 2021 and beyond.

Meredith

Let My Cry Come Onto Thee.

I am just a human, but my heart cries out to thee. Each day I come to you. I offer you praise and worship and ask for your blessing; for your help. You are the rock upon which I build my life. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

I cry for thee, O Lord. The world feels the weight of your grief, and our hearts break for the pain you are feeling, for the loss of your beloved. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

I grieve for the limb that has been cut from the tree, for the branch that has been ripped from the vine too soon. I pray for your healing, O Lord. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

My heart breaks, O Lord, for your pain. You, who gave your life on Calvary. You, who spilled your blood so that we might be set free. You journeyed to the depths, so that none would be lost. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

We, who morn, are part of your body. We feel this loss in the depths of our soul. Our hearts cry out in sorrow and pain. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

There is only one God, now and forever. Evil will not prevail, for you have already overcome the world. Our faith is in you. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

My heart cries out to you Lord. I feel the burden of your loss. I cry for the tears you have shed on this day. I reach out to you, seeking to share your load, your loss, your pain. How many tears have I cried this day. How many more have you? Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

Heavenly Father, Gracious Lord you are holy and merciful and mighty. We put our trust in you. We lift our eyes to the heavens and entrust our hearts to your keeping. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

I am only human and I am weak, but I offer myself to you. Share the burden of your grief with your children. Let our shared sorrow comfort you in your grievous loss. You are our beloved. We are nothing without you. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

Holy, holy, holy Lord. God of power and might. Heaven and Earth are full of your glory. Glory be to you, O God most high. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

Attitude of Gratitude

One of my very favourite things about having older children who have moved out of the house is getting the chance to know them as independent adults, and seeing then undertake their own spiritual journey, free from our expectations. Quite often when I get together with our son Everett our conversations will turn to one of faith. As a young man he is trying to figure out who he wants to be in this crazy world we live in and what he wants to stand for. As he takes this journey of exploration he often comes to me to talk and, more often than not, he is a great reminder of things I forget or let slip in my own walk with Jesus.

On one of these occasions Everett was speaking about how focusing on feeling grateful actually changes your brain, and it got me thinking. How often in this world do we hear the words “you deserve it”, or “it’s your right”? Words have power, and maybe we should start thinking more about how these phrases can be damaging to our happiness and sense of satisfaction – because instead of fostering an attitude that fosters gratefulness for all of the blessings we have in our lives, like a home, food, a job, people that love us, these words create a sense of dissatisfaction in our brains and our hearts. They create a sense that we are entitled to more than we currently have.

Our world is designed to “sell” you on the idea that you deserve more and there isn’t a single person among us who is immune to this concept – myself included. But that is where faith is so important – because faith IS about feeling grateful. It’s about appreciating the blessings that God has given you. It’s about seeing the blessings that God is still giving you. I am never more miserable than when I am thinking about what I’m not doing, or what I don’t have. I am never happier than when I am focused on this beautiful life that God has given me.

Maybe you hate your job; but you have a job, that pays your bills. Maybe you don’t have a husband/boyfriend; but you have people in your life who love and care for you. Maybe you live with chronic pain; but you are alive and get to wake up each morning and see and hear and experience the beauty of God’s creation. You get to love and be loved. I am not saying that life isn’t tough, that it doesn’t have it’s share of heartbreak and sorrow and pain. What I’m saying is that even in these times of trial, if we focus our brains and our hearts on the things we have to be grateful for, perhaps our difficulties won’t seem quite so bleak.

I love the song by Matt Maher and Seph Schlueter – God I’m Still Counting My Blessing. It’s such a great reminder that even in the storms of life, God sees where we will land and He will always be there with us.

… It’s like it was yesterday
I was a praying for a miracle
Scared to have a little hope
And now looking back today
Seeing all the things You’ve done
I can’t even add them up

… One, two, three up to infinity
I’d run out of numbers
Before I could thank You for everything

… God, I’m still counting my blessings
For all that You’ve done in my life
The more that I look in the details
The more of Your goodness I find
Father on this side of heaven
I know that I’ll run out of time
But I will keep counting my blessings
Knowing I can’t count that high

… And I know that seasons never last forever
So, God I will remember all of the reasons
My heart has to be grateful
All the times You’ve been faithful to me

… God, I’m still counting my blessings
For all that You’ve done in my life
The more that I look in the details
The more of Your goodness I find
Father on this side of heaven
I know that I’ll run out of time
But I will keep counting my blessings
Knowing I can’t count that high

Today I’m going to count my blessings – knowing I can never count that high. God bless.

Meredith

Evil in Eden

“Meredith there’s a coyote right between the two chicken coops!” This was what Dave said to me in broad daylight at 10:30 in the morning, not 15 minutes after I had just been down there.

Complacent. Google defines complacent as marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies.

I think it is safe to safe that over the course of the last three years on our farm we had definitely become complacent. Our chickens free-ranged with impunity and we even became so casual as to not worry about locking their doors at night because they were “safe”. We have three large dogs who have their scent all over the barnyard. We deluded ourselves into believing that the coyotes just seemed to know to keep on their side of the fence…until they didn’t…and two of my chickens paid the price.

How many times in our spiritual lives do we do the same thing. I think it is safe to say that this summer my complacency wasn’t just limited to caring for my chickens, it had also crept into my spiritual life. Of course I still believed, but maybe I wasn’t reading my Bible as often as I should be, or putting as much time into daily prayer – if at all. I love God and God loves me and that’s good enough, right? But let’s go back to that term “complacent”. Just as my sense of self-satisfaction about our farm situation led me to be unaware of the actual danger stalking my chickens, so too does self-satisfaction about our faith lead us to be unaware of the danger stalking our souls.

Adam and Eve are classic examples of complacency. They lived in paradise. They walked with God and knew neither sorrow or pain or anger and they were unaware of the danger that was stalking them. They couldn’t conceive of evil, until it was too late.

This has been a challenging summer for us on the farm. It’s hard to be a breeder when you can’t get your mares in foal. And, just because you have a foal for sale doesn’t mean you are going to sell it. We have lost several chickens to old age and one of our sheep and now we have a coyote!! If I’m honest, I’ve definitely been struggling. Am I doing the right thing?

It’s easy to have faith when things are going your way. It’s much harder when they aren’t. When things are good it’s easy to say God is pleased with me. Does that mean he isn’t this summer? Am I being punished?

But maybe the problem isn’t God at all. Where is my focus? What is the danger or deficiency I’m unaware of from these months of spiritual complacency? The devil doesn’t lure you away from God with prizes, he subtly distracts you from God with the things of this world. It’s the epitome of death by a thousand cuts. It’s the slow prioritization of things like scrolling through Facebook first thing in the morning, instead of reading your Bible. You tell yourself that once is okay, but once quickly becomes a habit and before you know it, you are another step farther from God.

The heartbreaks and disappointments of this summer have caused me to realize that I need to double down, I have allowed myself to let my relationship with God dribble away by “it’s okays”. It’s okay to not read my Bible today, it’s okay to not go to church this week, to not pray today… and I find myself feeling alone. God is my refuge and my strength (Psalm 46:1). Psalm 91:”4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.” I can not live my life without him. Like any relationship, you get out what you put in and I haven’t put in much lately. My spiritual life has been exposed as a deficiency. My comfort and peace comes from God and I need him in my life.

Where in your life are you guilty of being complacent? In your family life? your work? with God? And who are you letting down with your deficiencies, with your lack of awareness? I lost two of my sweet girls because of my complacency and my spiritual complacency has taken a toll on me as well. September is the perfect time to regroup. It might be fall, but it’s also a time of fresh starts just like our kids starting back to school. Be vigilant! Guard your heart and your soul and your mind, and place your faith and trust a relationship with the one who “works all things for your good.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

God bless,

Meredith

Spice’s Story

I have known for a while that I wanted to write the story of my girl Spice, but I have also held off writing it until she had her foal safely born. I wanted to know that we were on our way to a happy ending. This is not one of my typical “God” posts although I feel as if God sent her to me, but this is a post that I sincerely hope helps others who love and care for this breed to understand them a little better.

The very moment I saw the post advertising Spice for sale, something spoke to my heart. She was priced well above what we had spent on all of our other horses to date, but anyone looking at her could see what a beautiful horse she was, and I will say to this day, she is the best looking horse on our farm. I proceeded to negotiate a price for her and after going through the extensive importation process and documentation, she finally arrived at Finch Farm in March of 2023. Dave’s first words when he saw her were “She is the most beautiful horse I have ever seen.” And she was; but was was lurking under that beauty was a problem that would take us months to uncover and one we are still in the process of solving.

The first thing I noticed about Spice seeing her in person was that she had a massive amount of muscle development on the left side of her neck. I knew that her previous owner had sold her because she “trotted to fast” and I, as well as my equine friends all attributed it to rider error. I started riding Spice to work on her anxiety, but before long she came up lame. I attributed it to a shipping injury, gave her some time off and brought her back to work. We had similar results. She would be sound for a period of time and then come up lame. This problem became exacerbated with the arrival of spring and grass turnout. I turn out all of my cobs three and over with grazing muzzles, but even with the muzzle, Spice ended up dead lame. We rightly attributed it to grass induced laminitis and put her in the dry lot. Unfortunately, unlike others, her problems and lameness did not resolve with a few days off of the grass and we ended up doing x-rays. I think anyone who has had a horse can guess at the devastating results we found – coffin bone rotation. What I didn’t know and won’t ever know because I didn’t do a PPE, is if it happened here, or if I bought her with it. But, even with the coffin bone rotation, none of us (my vet included) understood the extent of Spice’s heath concerns.

Summer turned to fall, (we were finally able to breed Spice once her lameness was resolved by keeping her on a dry lot) and I got back to riding my girl. I focused on trail rides because I wanted her to know that being ridden was a place she could be happy – and she was – until she went lame again. Concussion lamenitis. There was no grass to be blamed this time – it was purely the result of being ridden and we all knew we needed to look deeper. We needed to do blood work.

I want to say that the diagnosis of insulin resistant, while hard to take, wasn’t a total shock – by this point I knew something more was going on – now I needed to know how to fix it. I took a course online about how to feed metabolic horses with PPSM, Insulin Resistance and Cushings. We made changes to her diet and her blood work improved and then it didn’t. Months of tweaking diet, soaking hay and adding medications – Insuline Wise and Metformin to get her blood sugar levels down to no avail… because she was pregnant and pregnancy does it’s own thing to a body.

We tested Spice’s blood almost monthly from November onward to try to get a handle on her Insulin Resistance, to try to find out what was and wasn’t working. And although her numbers weren’t going down, something was – that big lump of “muscle” on the left side of her neck which I know recognized for what it was – a fatty deposit – a huge red flag of her insulin resistance.

There was nothing I could do to bring Spice’s insulin levels down while she was pregnant. I could and did make sure she was comfortably shod with 4 weeks between trims and pads. (I will post photos of her laminar wall separation and it’s grow out along with her neck.) And I maintained her diet and medications, and we waited for baby. On July 2, Spice gave birth to a beautiful filly whom we will absolutely be keeping and that filly will 100% be a part of helping our girl Spice regain her health. In a week of nursing I have seen the fatty deposit on the side of Spice’s neck shrink dramatically. Spice is a very attentive mother and chasing after Baby Bea keeps her moving in a way we couldn’t naturally do. Finally, I will not breed Spice again until I know that her blood sugar levels are in the normal range. It has taken her a full year to open up and trust us, I won’t let her down now.

I share Spice’s story in the hope that I can help someone else who has a gypsy vanner or a gypsy cob and sees similar signs to what we saw in Spice. I share this story to encourage others to get blood sugar and insulin levels tested. I have tested any horse in my herd over the age of three. I do not share this story to accuse. I have so many experienced horse people around me, including my vet – none of us thought of insulin resistance until November. But if you are considering purchasing a gypsy, make sure your PPE includes blood work, so you know what you are getting into.

Not for a single second would I change our decision last March to purchase Spice. She needed us and we need and love her and we will do whatever it takes to keep her healthy and happy.

God bless,

Meredith