Ever since Christmas I have been struggling with a general sense of fatigue and lethargy. Maybe it’s S.A.D. Maybe it’s feeling overwhelmed with my life. Whatever the reason I felt burnt out. I have struggled with the simplest daily tasks of life; preparing meals, doing laundry…and with other tasks that have been important to me; reading my bible and prayer. I have offered up half-hearted prayers over the past month. Sometimes all I have been able to say is the Lord’s Prayer with my child before he goes to bed. I have begun to question the core of my faith. I have felt as if I can never be good enough, never worthy enough of God. I have gone through SO many days recently when I have truly felt as if my faith was being tested. And I have cried out to God that right now, in this moment, I am the one…and he needs to leave the 99 for me. I have prayed with an apology in my heart; “I’m sorry Lord, but I need a sign. I am in an emotional valley and I need to feel you, to know that you are here with me. I am counting on your promises. I am holding fast to them, even in my questioning.
Even in my doubting, in the depths of my heart, I couldn’t help myself, there was a small party of me that believed… that God would hear me, that He would help me.”
Today he overwhelmed me with his response.
Today I got a text message from a friend out of the blue and he shared a song with me. Today I drove past a field filled with 1,000 white swans. Today my son shared a movie that lifted and inspired me. Today God surrounded me with love. Today God blessed me. Today I was reminded that I am exactly who I am supposed to be and that “Jesus paid it all”…just for me.
God will never fail me.
I’m not going to pretend that I will wake up tomorrow and feel amazing. This valley I am walking through won’t suddenly disappear overnight. But I am so grateful to be reminded that I am not walking alone.
God bless each of you and if you are struggling, just keep praying, even if you can’t find the words, God knows the secret cry of your heart.