The fact that I haven’t written on this blog in six months is a testament to just how busy our lives have been. The summer saw us building fences and barns; finally planting our hay fields and pastures and running…always running.
Now that things have opened back up again Dave started going back to church. I’ve been a few times, but honestly, I keep saying that I’ll go back to church when the the barn is done. I just don’t have time. The exterior was done months ago, but we’ve been focused on building stalls, hay lofts, running water lines and electrical lines and getting concrete.
Throughout this entire process I’ve felt so blessed, so good in my relationship with God. But, we forget how easy it is to just let it slip away. It’s death by a thousand tiny cuts of the string that ties your heart to Him.
Our barn is almost finished, but doing construction at the beginning of winter is not ideal. We had a to dig a trench down the middle of our driveway to run the electrical lines because it was the only spot dry enough. It completely destroyed our driveway. I cried for a day after that. We’ve had so much rain and wet snow it’s been almost impossible to get the floors firm enough to do the concrete, and then I found out the concrete needed to be higher up my stall walls than I had planned for. More tears and possibly time in bed was the result of that news.
Coming to the end of more than a year of constant building has taken it’s toll on me, mentally. I just want to be done. Finding out our concrete pour was now delayed because of the coming cold front…where was God in all of this?
But that’s the thing. God is constant. He is, was and always will be. It wasn’t that God had stopped being a part of my building process, it was that I had stopped including him. I had stopped trusting him.
Not once, like NEVER EVER during the building process did God let me down. We had one of the wettest summers on record here in Ontario. And yet, when I needed things to be dry so that they could pull the cover on my barn, dust was blowing. Thank you, Jesus. There are too many other moments just like that over the summer for me to document. People would show up at just precisely the right time, I got deals I didn’t expect or look for. God has had his hand in every aspect of our farm. So then why did I stop trusting him now?
It is so easy to get so caught up in the trees of your life, the things that you are doing, that you miss the forest. This past month I’ve been so busy “doing” things that I forgot the one who helped me do it all. You tell yourself I’ll read my Bible tomorrow, or I’ll go to church next week. But in the end, what you are really doing, is allowing the world, your “things” to come between your relationship with God.
God wants to be your best friend, the one you turn to in good times and bad. Yesterday I was miserable; wallowing in my misery, miserable. Sometimes, I listen to music when I’m doing my stalls. As I was choosing my music, a name came into my head; Jason Gray…
When I lose my way
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
Is who I don’t wanna be
Remind me who I am
In the loneliest places
When I can’t remember what grace is
Tell me, once again
Who I am to You, who I am to You
Tell me, lest I forget
Who I am to You, that I belong to You
Just reading those lyrics again today brings tears to my eyes. God loves us SO MUCH!!! Losing my way, putting my relationship with God on the back-burner…for me that is my loneliest place.
Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me who I am to you and who you are to me…my best friend.