Let me start this blog by saying that my marriage is solid and I love David even more today than I did the day I married him. He is my soul mate and I absolutely consider him a blessing from God.
Okay, now that we have have that out of the way, let’s talk. Why is it so hard to break up with people? And why does it make me feel like a bad person?
Friendships, hairdressers, housekeepers. Some people are really good at creating boundaries and letting people go when they need to. I am not one of those people.
I honestly don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad. If you are a part of my life, I want you to feel loved, cared for, affirmed. But sometimes, friends grow apart, or become co-dependent and the relationship that once lifted you up and was mutually beneficial experiences a tragedy and over the years morphs into something that makes you feel trapped. You still love your friend, but your relationship with her or him is eating away at you. What was once a relationship that elevated you both has become almost parasitic. There is nothing you can do to fill the void that tragedy has left in the life of your friend and every time you try to make space for yourself, for you family you are racked with guilt. Or at least that is how I felt.
I wish I knew how to deal with those situations better. I know that Jesus wants me to share his love with the world, but there are times when I have nothing left to give. Is is wrong to prioritize my family, my mental health. We each have our own paths to walk, how far are we supposed to carry our brothers and sisters down those paths? And I keep wondering why feel like I am failing?
This week we let our housekeeper of more than ten years go. I love her, she’s a great person, and she does an amazing job. The problem is that I just have so much going on in my life right now I couldn’t handle the intrusion into my sanctuary. I needed space. Does that even make sense? What do I owe God? What do I owe people in my life?
My go to reaction is always avoidance. I draw away because it’s easier than being honest. Or I tell a lie because it’s easier than dealing with the hurt that I know my words are going to cause. The problem with that is it always results in even more hurt and in the end I have to “come clean” and be honest anyway.
Being honest with each other is hard. How many of us could say that we didn’t tell even one little white lie almost daily? Yes I love that dress, haircut, tv show. We have other people lie for us, we call in sick to work when we aren’t, and we aren’t above asking our children to life for us (“Tell him I’m not here”).
Ephesians 4:25 “Therefore, having laid aside falsehood, each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, because we are members of one another.”
This was a lesson I learned this week. It’s hard to be honest, but the consequences of a lie, the damage it does to other people, to your soul, to your relationship with God is even worse. Yesterday I was feeling resentful that God was making me feel bad. I knew I was being punished and I was angry about it. Wasn’t it okay for me to establish a boundary in my life? Today he showed me that the boundary was okay, it was the way I did it that was wrong. God is the Father of truth. So when I lie, who am I letting into my life?
My goal this week is to try to be truthful in all things, even when it doesn’t make me look good, even when it might hurt someone (as long as I do it lovingly and trying to recognize wisdom sometimes means keeping your thoughts to yourself). Ephesians 4:15 “But practicing the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ, who is the head.”
Here is a great resource that helped me today.