For those of you who are new to this blog and my posts, we lost our son Hayden at the age of 24 in September of 2025. There are only a very select few with whom I have confided the circumstances around his death. At first we did this to protect those who loved and cared for him from additional pain, but as the year as gone on and we get closer to the anniversary of his passing, I feel more and more like it is a dirty little secret I am hiding.

Simply put, neither David or I have reconciled ourselves to Hayden’s passing. Because he was in the care of Community Living a coroner was called in to investigate. As a parent, I also had the option of asking for a full coroner’s investigation in writing which I did. The coroner who investigated Hayden’s death called me to tell me that I was wasting my time.

When you have a child that needs extra care it is impossible to document the highs and lows of parenting a special needs child. And, it is a huge decision to make to say that you can no longer manage their care. We made that decision after Hayden gave himself his first traumatic brain injury. Everett was six years old, Isaac was just over a year and Hayden wasn’t yet nine years of age. We had done everything in our power to keep him safe, including consulting with his pediatrician who told us “these kids just know how hard to hit their heads without hurting themselves”. We put him in a variety of helmets, hockey and bicycle, but as anyone who has a child who obsessively bangs knows, it’s much like shaken baby syndrome – and ultimately we couldn’t protect him from himself.

After his head injury we were able to find a placement in a facility that specialized in treating behavioural children. After two years, multiple drug trials, psychiatric treatment, physio and occupational therapy and scores of sheets of data documenting his self-injurious behaviour we brought home exactly the same child – one who was obsessed with self injury. It was at this point that we enlisted the help of Community Living Essex County. I want to say that the first decade of Hayden living in care was amazing. He came to visit every weekend, his manager and staff were fully aware of the repercussions of him banging his head. Every aspect of his house that could be padded, was. But time passes, management and staff change and the urgency, no matter how much I complained, was lost.

The person who was responsible for my son the night he died, should never have been alone with him. That’s my opinion and one that I formed the moment I met him. I will always feel that Hayden would still be alive today if someone else had been caring for him that night – someone who cared about my son, as an human being. I was under the impression that he had cameras in his apartment – I was wrong and when I broached it Community Living told me that they believe that cameras “interfere with the people living their lives”. I believe that, had camera’s been installed, people would have been more accountable for their behaviour. That same individual was more than happy to pull out his cell phone and capture video of the paramedics trying to bring my child back to life.

I have pushed down the horror of what my child when through as his body shut down because he was allowed to bang his head and give himself a life ending brain bleed. I truly feel so grateful to the paramedics who worked relentlessly to bring life back into his body so that I could have the privilege of saying goodbye and holding him in my arms as he left this world.

I have lost people I have loved, grandparents, best friends, but the pain of losing a child is unlike any other. He slept beneath my heart for nine months. His blood mixed with mine. He will forever be a part of my and I feel his loss, his absence from the world in my very bones. I have tried so hard to put on a brave face for everyone else, because honestly, no one wants to confront the mom who has lost a child – it is the the unimaginable loss. And it is. I have managed to push it down for 10 months, but it has shaken me to my very core. It has undermined my faith and trust in God. It is a long and dark road that I will walk for the rest of my life. It is the pain of losing a child that the world deemed unworthy of investigating.

If you want comfort I can tell you that although I have reject God, he has not rejected me. I will not pretend that my journey back to trust and faith will not be a long one. I don’t need platitudes or scripture quoted at me – I know them all – God knows my heart and if the bridge back is going to built there is no better bridge builder than Him.

I share this blog, not for attention but because Hayden’s death deserves more than to just be swept under the rug, because our pain matters and ultimately all the bureaucracy cared about was covering their asses. Hayden’s life wasn’t always easy and I’m not going to pretend that he didn’t suffer greatly, but his joy was pure, he loved deeply and his life mattered and I miss my sweet baby EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.