Tag: #trust

Hayden

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I said that at some point I would write about the signs and blessings that God gave to us during our heartbreak over losing Hayden and this is that post. This is not going to be an easy post to write, nor do I think that it will be an easy post to read, but my heart tells me that it is important.

The evening that we received the phone call about Hayden we were sitting at the dinner table with our best friends, Lance and Paula Smith. I would consider this blessing number one, because Lance is not only one of our oldest and dearest friends, he is also our priest. The phone call was to tell me that an ambulance had been called to Hayden’s house and he was non-responsive. As I write those words I can feel my entire body flush and my throat tightens with the memory. My first question was to ask what hospital they were taking him to, only to be told that they were taking him anywhere yet because he didn’t have any vital signs.

I don’t know how to describe how I felt in that moment. I didn’t break down and cry. I know my first thought was not to run out the door and drive to his house because of course they would be on their way to the hospital by the time I got there. My second thought was I needed to do something and that something was get the horses in, specifically the mares and foals in from the field to the dry lot for the night.

As I walked out into the field I knew that Hayden had had another head injury. When you have a special needs child sometimes it feels like a gradual descent into heartbreak. From first learning of his blindness, then two years later his hearing loss. The moment you realize that he isn’t going to go to college or university or even go through school like the other kids.

When Hayden was five he started getting down on the floor and tapping his forehead on it. As he got older this behaviour started to increase in frequency and intensity – it was his way of seeking sensory feedback. We put him in a bicycle helmet and we had every agency you could possibly imagine involved trying to help him. We took our concerns to his pediatrician who was a specialist in special needs children and she told us that these kids just seem to know how hard they can hit their heads without hurting themselves.

We continued to keep Hayden in a helmet, but in February of 2010 the unthinkable happened. I was at soccer tryouts with Everett who was 7 at that time and Dave was home with baby Isaac and Hayden. He had put Hayden in his room to play and then put Isaac to bed – when he heard Hayden banging his head. He ran to stop him, only to find him having a seizure. He immediately called an ambulance and then my phone. Hayden had given himself a traumatic brain injury very similar to “shaken baby syndrome”. We spent two weeks in Detroit Children’s Hospital because part of his skull had to be removed to allow the swelling to go down.

The days when Hayden came home after his first TBI were some of the hardest of our lives. We couldn’t leave him alone for a single second because he would try to bang or hit his still healing head. Dave truly took the brunt of this because Isaac was still a baby. He would stay up nights holding Hayden (who also didn’t sleep) and then work during the day while Isaac was at daycare and I could take over. From this moment on, Hayden wore a helmet 24/7. After trying a variety of custom helmets we settled on a hockey helmet which is designed to prevent concussions and easily replaceable. He had a soft foam helmet for the nights. Still, we were at a complete loss to know how to help stop Hayden from constantly trying to hurt himself.

At this point in our journey we were very blessed to have the intervention of Helplink who got us into a specialized program in London run by CPRI (Child and Parent Resource Institute). They had an entire team of psychiatrists and psychologists and OT and PT. Surely, they would be able to help. I have two years of data sitting in my basement. They counted every single time Hayden hit himself and tried a variety of medications and treatments. Dave and I would drive up to London on Friday to pick up Hayden for the weekend and bring him back on Sunday. Almost two years later they had no solution, and Community Living Essex County generously opened up a weekend respite home during the week specifically for Hayden. It was two blocks from our house on the very same street.

The Community Living staff in those early days were amazing, but absolutely they were slightly terrified knowing Hayden’s past history and his drive to self injure. Unfortunately about 18 months into his stay he suffered another brain injury and was flown to London by air ambulance. We were very blessed that he emerged from this incident quickly and left the hospital later that day. From the moment Hayden moved into Community Living he had a concussion protocol that was signed off on by ourselves, his doctors and management staff. His initial house manager told me that he was one of the most complex individuals she had ever supported. He had an awake night staff and two staff during the day. When Hayden was smiling he would melt your heart and fill it with joy, but when he was unhappy it was incredibly difficult both on an emotional and physical level for everyone around him.

As the years went by, Hayden always had some type of behaviour that was concerning. His head banging came and went and was replaced at various times with other behaviours. I never really worried about the other behaviours, because deep down in my heart, I knew it was the head banging that would ultimately take him from us.

And so we come back to September 20, 2025. As I walked out into the field to collect the mares and foals, waiting for my phone to ring, to tell me that they had gotten him back and he was on his way to the hospital I knew in my heart what had happened. It took me weeks to realize that during this time God was working a miracle for us. Hayden’s injury was such that the pressure on his brain shut down his breathing. He was found with no pulse. I have not a single doubt in my mind that Hayden went to heaven that night, Jesus took him by the shoulders, looked him in the eye and told him he needed to go back for just a little while longer. He needed to go back so that his mama could have the chance to tell him that she loved him with every fibre of her being, that there was nothing she wouldn’t have done to fix the world for him. He needed to go back so that she could press him against her heart and sing all the songs that she sang to him as a baby as his heart beat slowed and he passed from her arms into God’s. I thank God every single day for the gift he gave us that night – To hold him in my arms one last time, kiss his sweet face, to be able to say goodbye to our beautiful Hayden.

When we arrived at the hospital, spoke to the ER doctor and realized what was going to happen, we called Lance and asked him to come in and give Hayden his last rights. As we sat around his bedside, David, Everett, myself and Lance, we talked about our cherished memories of Hayden, remembered the good times. At some point during this I felt a voice tell me that I needed to ask Lance about the Beatitudes. Initially I ignored it, unable to think why it would be applicable in this situation. But, I felt that voice again, telling me to ask about the Beatitudes. So, Lance opened his Bible and began to read:

““Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.

I stopped Lance there, because I knew in my heart, the moment he read that verse, the message that God wanted to give me. Hayden was seeing God. Anyone who raises a child like Hayden knows what it means when I say he was absolutely pure in heart. God gave me a gift that night and I have held that phrase close in my grief. There aren’t many of us who are gifted the knowledge that yes, the one they love is truly in heaven with God.

Let us fast forward a couple of weeks, when I was struggling with my grief and wondering “what if heaven is just a fantasy and I’ll never see Hayden again?” I reached out in prayer asking for a sign, acknowledging that really is not how God works and it is unfair to even ask, but desperately seeking solace. While we are not a part of the Orthodox tradition, we did decide to lean into our grief at the loss of Hayden and we had multiple prayer services for him on the 3rd, 9th and 40th days following his death.

Another blessing, and proof of God’s perfect timing, came at the prayer service we held on the 9th day following Hayden’s death. This is a prayer service that is specifically “for the departed both in remembrance of the living and that the departed soul be counted worthy to be numbered among the choir of the saints, through the prayers and intercessions of the nine ranks of angels.” In 2025 this very day fell on Monday September 29th, in all the Feasts throughout the Church calendar year, this day for our Hayden was on the Feast of the Angels. A prayer for the angels, on a day honouring the angels. If ever God was putting up a neon sign this was it.

There were so many ways that God showed us his perfect plan and his care for us during this tragedy. The final one occurred at the final prayer service on October 30, the fortieth day following Hayden’s death. Prior to the Eurcharist Lance always invites all baptized Christians to partake in God’s Holy Communion or come up for a blessing – not this day. As Lance began the celebrate the Eucharist – he suddenly stopped, looked at me and said “when we celebrate communion, we do so with all of the company of Heaven.”

In all of his 30+ years of preaching Lance has never interrupted the Eucharist – but God used him that day to give me a message – to let me know that every time I take communion, I can do so knowing that Hayden is right there with me, celebrating the sacrifice and miracle of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Something we were not able to share in life, we now share in as a result of his death. That day sealed the truth in my heart. God could not have been more clear. He knew exactly what I needed to hear to put my heart as ease.

My grief over losing Hayden will be with me forever. It is something that I have had to put into a box in order to live my life. It is something that I can only bear to open a crack when I am feeling brave because I know it will overwhelm me. But, I also take comfort in knowing that God is with me, and that Hayden is with God, and there will be a day when I will hold him in my arms again and he will be perfect and whole as he was always meant to be.

As I come to the end of this post I share one other blessing that was given to me. So many of Hayden’s workers at Community Living adored him. It was not given to any of them to carry the burden of being on duty the night Hayden passed into God’s arms. For that I am eternally grateful.

I’ve opened my heart to you in this post and shared a very small glimpse of our life with Hayden and his death in the hopes that it helps you to find God in your life and in your times of grief and sorrow. The Bible is full of his promises and the love he has for us. I pray that you come to know the depth and fierceness of that love yourself one day.

God Bless,

Meredith

An Unexpected Side Effect.

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As many of you now know, we lost our beloved son, Hayden on September 20th of this year. Two months into our grieving process, keeping myself busy seems to be key to having what I would call “good” days. Those are days when I can smile, I can laugh, and enjoy the abundant blessings that God has gifted us. Weekends on the other hand, they tend to be more difficult – if I have time to think, then my thoughts inevitably turn to Hayden. Weekends were the time we spent with him and the hole on Saturday mornings is particularly large.

In my last blog post I said that I would write about the signs that God gave us that Hayden was with him, and I will do that, but as I sit here today I wanted to talk a little bit about the journey my faith is taking right now. One of the most important aspects of my relationship with God has been the feelings of his overwhelming love that he so often places upon me. Everyone’s experience and relationship with God is different, but for me, it’s those moments when I am most close to him, in song or in prayer when I feel his love fill me and it always brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat and a fullness to my heart. But lately I find myself actively avoiding having these moments. I’m not trying to shut God out of my life and my heart, but my sorrow is still so fresh and my feelings are still so close to the surface.

I have even started to worry that maybe God will be angry or upset that I can’t find that closeness with him. But then he gave me a truth that I feel in the depth of my soul – the sorrow that I feel, the pain in my heart, he shares that with me. The reason I can’t get too close right now when I am mourning – it’s because he is grieving with me and our shared grief is simply too much for me.

Never for a single moment doubt that God doesn’t love you fiercely. When you have a relationship with God, he will share your joys and rejoice with you in your good fortune. And, when life is hard, he doesn’t fix our pain – he shares it with us. Every tear we cry, he cries with us. On those good days when I can smile and laugh – I feel God touch my heart gently to reassure me that he is here, and he will never leave. So in the pain of my loss, I have continued to receive God’s grace and love in the unexpected truth that he is walking this path right beside me. To read these things in the Bible is one thing – to live them first hand is something completely different.

My prayer for each of you is that God gives you the blessing of feeling his presence in your life in all of your moments – both joy and sorrow and the knowledge that he will never leave you either.

God Bless,

Meredith

Leaning into grief.

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As many of you reading this are aware, we lost our oldest son Hayden on September 20 of this year. We all know that we will experience the loss of loved ones in our lives. It’s predestined that we will lose our grandparents and parents, even our pets. There was a part of me that always knew that I would lose Hayden, I even wanted that, because I didn’t want his care to be a burden on his brothers. What I didn’t expect was that it would happen so soon, or so suddenly. In my mind I would be an old lady and he would be a man.

So lets talk about grief. In today’s world we are all trying to capture the fountain of youth. We want to look younger, feel younger and be younger and I have noticed a trend away from acknowledging death. How many times now do people die without even having a funeral? I have seen it happen in my own extended family, even people of faith not having a service or a burial for a mother or husband. We, as a society, seem to have become extremely uncomfortable with the concept of death. And I think that we are all suffering for it.

When we were sitting in the hospital room saying good bye to Hayden I looked over at our priest and we talked about how I was not going to just “get over” this. And it was our Anglican priest who mentioned that the Orthodox practice was to have multiple prayer services. The moment he said that it felt right. I needed to “lean” (his word, not mine) into my grief and not try to pretend that life was okay.

As a result of that choice, to embrace the pain and the loss and the process of grieving, many of you have come to know a little more about Hayden. I took 40 days, I put black ribbons on our house, turned off our porch lights, wore black every day and arranged for prayer services on the third, ninth and 40th days following Hayden’s loss. I posted every day about my beautiful boy. I have cried, I have raged against God, I have questioned his existence and I have dwelt on the hole in my heart.

And what did leaning into my grief get me? At the end of those 40 days I was ready. I was ready to turn the lights back on, to wear something a little brighter, to feel joy. And each stage of the process of grieving helped. The first prayer service, the second, the funeral and the final service at 40 days after which we buried him. Each one of these was a step toward saying goodbye. Closing up his house, closing his casket at the church, being there for his cremation and the burying of his urn – each of these moments broke my heart. Each of these moments were steps toward the finality of life without Hayden, and each of these moments were an important part of this journey.

I know first hand that business of funeral homes is not inexpensive these days. But the act of mourning is vitally important. Many churches will hold a service for a very small fee – just to cover the cost of opening their doors in off hours. Yes, we should “Celebrate Lives”, but it’s okay to be sad too. It’s okay to call death what it is, it’s okay to spend time crying and missing the ones you love. Life is messy and imperfect and hard sometimes and we don’t need to gloss over the ugly parts – we need to lean into them and experience them. It is only by living in the darkness that we can truly appreciate walking back out into the light.

I will write another time about the ways in which God has reached out to me during this time, but for now, God bless.

Meredith

Let My Cry Come Onto Thee.

I am just a human, but my heart cries out to thee. Each day I come to you. I offer you praise and worship and ask for your blessing; for your help. You are the rock upon which I build my life. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

I cry for thee, O Lord. The world feels the weight of your grief, and our hearts break for the pain you are feeling, for the loss of your beloved. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

I grieve for the limb that has been cut from the tree, for the branch that has been ripped from the vine too soon. I pray for your healing, O Lord. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

My heart breaks, O Lord, for your pain. You, who gave your life on Calvary. You, who spilled your blood so that we might be set free. You journeyed to the depths, so that none would be lost. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

We, who morn, are part of your body. We feel this loss in the depths of our soul. Our hearts cry out in sorrow and pain. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

There is only one God, now and forever. Evil will not prevail, for you have already overcome the world. Our faith is in you. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

My heart cries out to you Lord. I feel the burden of your loss. I cry for the tears you have shed on this day. I reach out to you, seeking to share your load, your loss, your pain. How many tears have I cried this day. How many more have you? Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

Heavenly Father, Gracious Lord you are holy and merciful and mighty. We put our trust in you. We lift our eyes to the heavens and entrust our hearts to your keeping. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

I am only human and I am weak, but I offer myself to you. Share the burden of your grief with your children. Let our shared sorrow comfort you in your grievous loss. You are our beloved. We are nothing without you. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

Holy, holy, holy Lord. God of power and might. Heaven and Earth are full of your glory. Glory be to you, O God most high. Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come onto thee.

Darkness

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Even living out in the county, it’s not very often that we have nights that are truly dark.  Our horizons are always lit by the surrounding towns.  But, as the days get progressively shorter in the march toward the winter solstice, and the clouds of winter hang low and thick we had several nights this week where the darkness felt dense and heavy. 

I am not a girl who lives for the night. I love being up in the early morning, seeing the sun rise and the world wake up.  So, this week, as the darkness settled around us in a palpable way, I could feel myself reacting to it.  I couldn’t see the horses at their feeder from the fence the darkness was so thick and black.  The light from the barn couldn’t reach beyond the doorway, and the air was thick and heavy with the fog that was settling in. As humans we rely so much on our visual sense and certainly, for me, it was an uncomfortable, even stressful feeling to be so cut off from the world around me.  Normally I love night feed; it’s quiet and peaceful.  But on this night, I definitely breathed a sigh of relief walking into the lights of the house, with the fireplace warm and waiting.  It felt so good to come out of the heaviness of the darkness, back into the light.

This feeling got me thinking about the final verse from the carols and lessons concert we went to this past Sunday. It is from my absolute favourite book and it is probably one of my favourites because of how clearly it defines who and what Jesus was and is. 

“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 He was with God in the beginning. 3 Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it.  John 1:1-5

“The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.”  As we draw nearer to the day on which we celebrate the birth of Jesus, on one of the darkest nights of the year, I hold this verse to my heart.  Jesus is the light that the darkness can not overcome, no matter how oppressive, or heavy that darkness we are walking through may be.  The relief that our souls experience when we draw closer to his light and love is as real as the relief I felt walking into the house that evening.  For some people this year, Christmas won’t be a time of joyful celebration. They are alone, experiencing their first holiday without a loved one… darkness is hanging over them in, wrapping itself around them.  But I know, just as he has done for me those times in my life when I have been lost in the dark, Jesus will always be life.  The life that is the light of all mankind.  I pray that, this holiday season, he is light and life for you.

God bless

Meredith

Journeys: From Lemon to Lemonade

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Sometimes in life things happen that break your heart; but the older I get, the more I have come to learn to trust that God will make lemonade from your lemons.

I love surrounding myself with people who are experts; especially in my life as a horse breeder, trainer and rider. Maybe it’s because I got back into riding as an older adult, but my thirst to learn more about how and why never seems to diminish. I have been very blessed to live in a community and have a friend base that fuels and feeds that drive for knowledge. But, have you ever been in a situation where you didn’t realize you were limiting yourself unconsciously?

I was very blessed to have the opportunity to have Monster ridden by a young woman who had competed for Canada as a junior dressage rider and had ridden at the Grand Prix level. Of course I jumped at that opportunity. Her experience and skill as a rider, saw him win the Adequan All Breed award for Level Two Dressage in 2023. But her success ultimately ended up with me saying things to myself like: “I’ll never be that good.” “I’m just holding him back.” I’ll just break them and she can ride them.” “Maybe I should sell him while he’s worth something.” I limited myself and my growth as a rider because I was working with an expert. But God had other plans for Monster and I.

This July circumstances conspired such that I ended up taking over the ride on Monster. As sad as it was to see that part of our journey come to an end, it was without a doubt the greatest thing that happened to me, and my relationship with Monster. Don’t get me wrong, it was definitely a setback for him. Instead of showing Level Three as had been the plan, the best I could do was a Level Two. While I had never actually ridden a level two test, let alone in competition, I signed myself up for a gold show, Second Level dressage test in August. Then the opportunity to attend a clinic with the incredible Grand Prix coach, internationally renowed Paula Kierkegaard presented itself.

Our dressage tests in August were abysmal, with our highest score being at 56%, but we did it and I learned so much from the judges comments and videos taken by friends. I stayed the course, attended another clinic with Paula in October and watched myself on video monthly. I understand and can feel so much more what correct riding is thanks to my persistence. Monster has never looked or felt better and he and I are learning together; things like Piaffe and Flying Lead Changes. And, not only are we learning – we are both having so much fun doing it. When I go into the paddock, Monster always comes up to me asking to come in to work. He’s been known to bang on the fence or the gate to make sure I know he’s ready to come in and work and our relationship and bond is so much deeper.

God didn’t allow me to limit myself. He took matters out of my hands and put them in his and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. Today Monster and I had two beautiful, smooth lead changes. My heart is so full. Where are the places in your life where you can see God’s hand? Maybe the things you think you’ve lost are actually the beginning of a journey to a better you. Sometimes you just have to trust the process – you can’t make lemonade without squashing a few lemons.

God bless.

Meredith

Lainey Wilson and a place called Grace.

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Yesterday afternoon my girlfriend and I left our families behind and headed down the 401 to see our girl, Lainey Wilson in concert at Canada Life Place in London. The plan was to leave early enough to have a nice dinner and a glass of wine before heading to the concert. We spent a good portion of our drive looking at restaurants around the venue, trying to decide which one would be the most delicious.

We got an amazing parking spot right across the street from the concert and then headed to our first choice of dining spots only to be told there was no room at the in, bar included. No big deal, it was right beside the venue, we’d just go a little further. So up Richmond street we walked, entering restaurant after restaurant, only to be told time and time again – sorry, we’re all booked up. It was starting to look like we were going to be settling for fast food or a Quiznos with no glass of wine to sit down an enjoy when we took a wrong turn.

We almost walked right past it, not able to believe what our eyes were telling us, that a place this nice, this close to our concert could have that many empty seats. Our first thought was that it was closed…but when I checked my phone it was indeed open. So, we did an about face and entered into heaven; a beautiful restaurant, with a seat by the window, a lovely wine list and incredible food, all without the chaos of the other “pre-concert” restaurants. The name of this place…Grace.

So many times in my life God gifts me with infinitely more than I could ask or imagine. Just like that restaurant last night, his plan for my life is always so much better than I would ever dream for myself. But, sometimes that plan means we get told “no”, we don’t get into the places we thought we “wanted”, and sometimes we need to take a wrong turn and get lost to find that “something better” that was his plan all along.

The completeness of God’s plan for us always astonishes me. One of the things my girlfriend and I had talked about on our drive was how important and special our grandmothers were to us. This restaurant was named after the executive chef’s grandmother. The proof of God’s love and caring for you is always there if you are just willing to see it.

Lainey Wilson was amazing. Having a beautiful friend to sharing it with was amazing, but most amazing of all is God’s enduring grace.

God bless.
Meredith

Attitude of Gratitude

One of my very favourite things about having older children who have moved out of the house is getting the chance to know them as independent adults, and seeing then undertake their own spiritual journey, free from our expectations. Quite often when I get together with our son Everett our conversations will turn to one of faith. As a young man he is trying to figure out who he wants to be in this crazy world we live in and what he wants to stand for. As he takes this journey of exploration he often comes to me to talk and, more often than not, he is a great reminder of things I forget or let slip in my own walk with Jesus.

On one of these occasions Everett was speaking about how focusing on feeling grateful actually changes your brain, and it got me thinking. How often in this world do we hear the words “you deserve it”, or “it’s your right”? Words have power, and maybe we should start thinking more about how these phrases can be damaging to our happiness and sense of satisfaction – because instead of fostering an attitude that fosters gratefulness for all of the blessings we have in our lives, like a home, food, a job, people that love us, these words create a sense of dissatisfaction in our brains and our hearts. They create a sense that we are entitled to more than we currently have.

Our world is designed to “sell” you on the idea that you deserve more and there isn’t a single person among us who is immune to this concept – myself included. But that is where faith is so important – because faith IS about feeling grateful. It’s about appreciating the blessings that God has given you. It’s about seeing the blessings that God is still giving you. I am never more miserable than when I am thinking about what I’m not doing, or what I don’t have. I am never happier than when I am focused on this beautiful life that God has given me.

Maybe you hate your job; but you have a job, that pays your bills. Maybe you don’t have a husband/boyfriend; but you have people in your life who love and care for you. Maybe you live with chronic pain; but you are alive and get to wake up each morning and see and hear and experience the beauty of God’s creation. You get to love and be loved. I am not saying that life isn’t tough, that it doesn’t have it’s share of heartbreak and sorrow and pain. What I’m saying is that even in these times of trial, if we focus our brains and our hearts on the things we have to be grateful for, perhaps our difficulties won’t seem quite so bleak.

I love the song by Matt Maher and Seph Schlueter – God I’m Still Counting My Blessing. It’s such a great reminder that even in the storms of life, God sees where we will land and He will always be there with us.

… It’s like it was yesterday
I was a praying for a miracle
Scared to have a little hope
And now looking back today
Seeing all the things You’ve done
I can’t even add them up

… One, two, three up to infinity
I’d run out of numbers
Before I could thank You for everything

… God, I’m still counting my blessings
For all that You’ve done in my life
The more that I look in the details
The more of Your goodness I find
Father on this side of heaven
I know that I’ll run out of time
But I will keep counting my blessings
Knowing I can’t count that high

… And I know that seasons never last forever
So, God I will remember all of the reasons
My heart has to be grateful
All the times You’ve been faithful to me

… God, I’m still counting my blessings
For all that You’ve done in my life
The more that I look in the details
The more of Your goodness I find
Father on this side of heaven
I know that I’ll run out of time
But I will keep counting my blessings
Knowing I can’t count that high

Today I’m going to count my blessings – knowing I can never count that high. God bless.

Meredith

Evil in Eden

“Meredith there’s a coyote right between the two chicken coops!” This was what Dave said to me in broad daylight at 10:30 in the morning, not 15 minutes after I had just been down there.

Complacent. Google defines complacent as marked by self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies.

I think it is safe to safe that over the course of the last three years on our farm we had definitely become complacent. Our chickens free-ranged with impunity and we even became so casual as to not worry about locking their doors at night because they were “safe”. We have three large dogs who have their scent all over the barnyard. We deluded ourselves into believing that the coyotes just seemed to know to keep on their side of the fence…until they didn’t…and two of my chickens paid the price.

How many times in our spiritual lives do we do the same thing. I think it is safe to say that this summer my complacency wasn’t just limited to caring for my chickens, it had also crept into my spiritual life. Of course I still believed, but maybe I wasn’t reading my Bible as often as I should be, or putting as much time into daily prayer – if at all. I love God and God loves me and that’s good enough, right? But let’s go back to that term “complacent”. Just as my sense of self-satisfaction about our farm situation led me to be unaware of the actual danger stalking my chickens, so too does self-satisfaction about our faith lead us to be unaware of the danger stalking our souls.

Adam and Eve are classic examples of complacency. They lived in paradise. They walked with God and knew neither sorrow or pain or anger and they were unaware of the danger that was stalking them. They couldn’t conceive of evil, until it was too late.

This has been a challenging summer for us on the farm. It’s hard to be a breeder when you can’t get your mares in foal. And, just because you have a foal for sale doesn’t mean you are going to sell it. We have lost several chickens to old age and one of our sheep and now we have a coyote!! If I’m honest, I’ve definitely been struggling. Am I doing the right thing?

It’s easy to have faith when things are going your way. It’s much harder when they aren’t. When things are good it’s easy to say God is pleased with me. Does that mean he isn’t this summer? Am I being punished?

But maybe the problem isn’t God at all. Where is my focus? What is the danger or deficiency I’m unaware of from these months of spiritual complacency? The devil doesn’t lure you away from God with prizes, he subtly distracts you from God with the things of this world. It’s the epitome of death by a thousand cuts. It’s the slow prioritization of things like scrolling through Facebook first thing in the morning, instead of reading your Bible. You tell yourself that once is okay, but once quickly becomes a habit and before you know it, you are another step farther from God.

The heartbreaks and disappointments of this summer have caused me to realize that I need to double down, I have allowed myself to let my relationship with God dribble away by “it’s okays”. It’s okay to not read my Bible today, it’s okay to not go to church this week, to not pray today… and I find myself feeling alone. God is my refuge and my strength (Psalm 46:1). Psalm 91:”4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. 5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.” I can not live my life without him. Like any relationship, you get out what you put in and I haven’t put in much lately. My spiritual life has been exposed as a deficiency. My comfort and peace comes from God and I need him in my life.

Where in your life are you guilty of being complacent? In your family life? your work? with God? And who are you letting down with your deficiencies, with your lack of awareness? I lost two of my sweet girls because of my complacency and my spiritual complacency has taken a toll on me as well. September is the perfect time to regroup. It might be fall, but it’s also a time of fresh starts just like our kids starting back to school. Be vigilant! Guard your heart and your soul and your mind, and place your faith and trust a relationship with the one who “works all things for your good.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

God bless,

Meredith

Because a little bug went ka-choo.

Have you ever read the story from the Doctor Seuss about the little bug who sneezed? Because of that sneeze a little seed dropped. Because that seed dropped a worm got bopped. Because he got bopped, that worm got mad. Because he got mad he kicked a tree. Because of that kick a coconut dropped. Because that nut dropped a hen got bopped… you see where this is going. One innocuous sneeze results in ultimate chaos. We had a moment like that on our farm a few weeks ago. Here’s what happened.

Because a gate was left open, our two stud colts got out, because I was away with their buddies, Monster and Buzz at a horse show, they were lonely and went looking for friends. Because Isaac saw them out he put them away – with the girls… because Dave saw the stud colts were in with the girls he ran out, in his tuxdeo (he had a dinner that night) and opened the gate to the paddock to bring them in. Because he opened the gate they all ran in, right into the paddock where Baby Ben was! And chaos was the result; yearling colts and our fillies running around, our mini Stevie putting himself between the boys and Baby Ben (love that pony). Ultimately our situation resolved much like the Dr. Seuss book, with everyone safe and back where they belonged and with calm being restored. But how much like our own lives are these stories? The only difference being that we don’t always get to see the chaos or the good that results from our actions.

It is so, so easy to forget how much our feelings and actions impact those around us. Joy, anger, frustration, our emotions aren’t contained to the bubble of our existence, they radiate out from us like energy, affecting those around us for good or bad. And how much is our faith like that? You never know how your verbal “thank you, Jesus” moment or your “have a blessed day” is going to ripple out and change someone’s chaos into order. I am not of the opinion that I need to go around “converting” people. The Bible is pretty clear about the fact that only God can change a person’s heart. But I can be kindness and love. I can show people what it looks like to live a life loved by God, loving God. I can pray for those I love to know the joy and peace that surpasses all understanding that can only come from God. I can be a sneeze and let God take care of the rest.

God bless,

Meredith