Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been blogging as much recently. I think it’s fair to say that I went through a period of time during which I very seriously questioned what I was doing as a writer. I write these next words to share my experience and I genuinely ask that you not respond by telling me how you feel about me as a writer (good or bad). I’m sharing this story because I believe that part of the appeal of this blog is that I share my faith journey, through it’s ups and downs, openly and honestly.
For the past six years I have been pursing a writing career in comics. I am not naturally a person to put myself forward, believing that the quality, or lack there of, determines the demand for your work. I think that it is fair to say that my career in comics has been moderately successful. I’ve written Wonder Woman, Conan, my own comics. But throughout this experience, while I strongly believe my work has an emotional appeal, I have never really been the type of writer that companies clamor for. That’s okay. But what I began to feel recently, was that perhaps writing comics wasn’t a road God intended me to walk forever. But if I wasn’t writing comics, what was I?
I’ve struggled with my decision to walk away, to retire from writing comics, even as I’ve told myself that the time, and energy I had previously devoted to it was now being directed toward homeschooling our youngest. But, I loved writing THE BOOK OF RUTH. I mean I really, REALLY loved writing it. I loved it so much I initially thought I would do another one right afterward…initially. But after the Kickstarter was over, and I looked at the overall financial cost of putting out my own comic, there began to be a part of me that felt as if God had let me down. Hadn’t I put myself out there? Hadn’t I written material that was faith based? Promoted it? Found a publisher for it? Absolutely I raised an amazing amount from Kickstarter and Indigogo (and I feel so blessed, and so much gratitude to my backers), but I had still funded a significant portion of that book from my own pocket? I simply couldn’t afford to keep writing comics like that. I was ready and willing to serve, to put his word out there. Couldn’t He help me out a little? At least help me to break even, so I could do another one?
Anyone who’s ridden on that roller coaster knows that feeling like God has let you down is the upside. The questioning and worry about letting him down is the long drop to the bottom.
I spent several months going through the motions, reading my bible, saying my prayers half-heartedly. Even listening to music didn’t lift my heart like it used to. I was walking through a spiritual valley. So how did I get out? And where am I now?
Some of you may have read my post last week about realizing I needed to open my hand to accept the gift God was offering me. Even then I still was only beginning to get to the place I needed to be, to the place God needed me to be. This past weekend I felt as if I was spinning at 100 miles an hour, so frustrated, and pent up, and lost. And, I felt with all my lashing out, and anger at my loved ones, and those around me that I must be a huge disappointment to God. How far had I fallen from the woman who had danced through hallways with songs of praise in her heart months earlier?
Church for us, as for many people, was cancelled on Sunday. I raced through my bible reading that morning hating myself, and the way I was feeling to such an extent that I just wanted to loose myself in the internet. But as I opened my browser to check my Pinterest, I found myself typing something entirely different. You’ll get lots of blogs and posts if you type in disappointing God. I fully believe that posts I found were absolutely the ones I needed to read to put me back on the right path. I also believe that you have to be in a place where you are “open” – last week’s post – to receive what you are going to read or hear.
Tomorrow I’ll share with you the new insight God gave into my feelings of self-doubt, and why I’m back blogging again.
Have an amazing day knowing that you are a child of God and He will care for you, just as you would care for, and watch over your own children.